Category Archives: Holidays

How a Divorce Will Help You Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year again. Divorce season. According to some pretty flimsy data, January has more people filing for divorce than any other month. So today we’re going to show you how getting a divorce can actually HELP you stick to your other new year’s resolutions.

1. Lose Weight/Get in Shape
You are almost sure to lose weight if you get a divorce this year. Either you will be too depressed to eat or you’ll be extremely motivated to get in shape because you’re back on the market.

2. Quit Smoking
You don’t want to put “smoker” on your match.com profile and you’re not going to LIE to match.com.

3. Try New Things
That’s easy. Once you get divorced, you will spend a lot of time doing new things because you have to. Did you always let your husband drive? Well, now you have to try to parallel park a car on your own. Isn’t that exciting?

4. Diet
You’re going to be on the single person’s diet where you just eat a cup of noodles for every meal. The pounds will melt right off.

5. Get Out of Debt/Save Money
You might not get out of debt that easily, but think of all the money you’ll save on Valentine’s cards and anniversary cards.

6. Spend More Time With Family
You will definitely spend more time with your kids because you won’t be able to say “Hey honey, can you watch the kids?” while you go take a shower. You’ll also spend more time with your parents/siblings/whoever’s couch you’re sleeping on for a few months.

7. Travel More
Hmm. I guess if you’re a single woman with lots of money you can ‘eat, pray, love’ it or whatever. I mean, you probably won’t travel LESS. They have singles cruises, right?

8. Be Less Stressed
This might take a while. If you decide to get a divorce in 2014, you might be more stressed at first. But once you’re divorced, you’ll feel better because you won’t wake up every day with that case of the “murders.”

9. Volunteer
Well that’s dumb. You won’t have time to volunteer what with all the traveling and exercising and parallel parking you’ll be doing.

10. Drink Less
Don’t even bother.

Should old acquaintance be divorced.

Should old acquaintance be divorced.

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Christmas Survival Tips

While perusing the internet recently, we came across this article about surviving Christmas after divorce.

In it, the author gives us “helpful” tips on how to survive Christmas post-divorce, particularly if you are not in the company of your children for the holiday.  While we applaud the author’s efforts, we think her tips for survival are a little uninspired and perhaps a little too obvious to really warrant an article. Unless you consider painting a room of your house on Christmas Eve creative and fun. Then the list might be for you after all.  We break her tips down for you here:

1.  Think out of the box.: Here, the author tells you that you don’t NEED to have the same traditions you had when you were married! Well, yes, that’s probably fairly obvious. You probably won’t be wrapping Christmas presents by yourself while your ex-husband snores on Christmas Eve as you repeatedly hit him and say “wake up…wake UP! I need your HELP!” You also might lose that old tradition where your now ex-wife tells you on Christmas Day that she’s not sure she loves you anymore.

2.  Make a plan to call your children at a particular time. Hmm. Yeah, Ok. We guess you can do that. Or you can just call them at any old time, too. We think it probably doesn’t matter. But if planning phone calls in advance is what you do for fun, go for it.

3.  Invite family or friends over for Christmas Eve. Yes, this will be a new, groundbreaking holiday that you spend with your friends and family now that you’re divorced. With whom did you spend all of your married Christmases? Strangers?

4.  If your kids are going to be gone for two or three days and you cannot bear being in the house alone, plan a short trip. Oh yes, excellent. There is nothing to take the stress  off of you like traveling during the holidays. I hope your short trip is largely focused on siting in an airport waiting out weather delays.

5.  Allow yourself to do whatever you could not do when the kids were with you. You know how you always wanted to run around the house naked on Christmas Day shouting obscenities, but you couldn’t because the KIDS were there?! Now’s your chance!

6.  Watch a movie that makes you feel uplifted. She doesn’t give any examples here, but we can only imagine that she means something like one of the many Madea films. Tyler Perry, in a dress! It never gets old, does it?

7.  Do something creative. Here the author suggests: “[m]aybe a room in the house needs to be painted. You are alone, and no one said that you cannot decorate or fix up the house on Christmas Eve. ” Did you hear that? NO ONE told you that you can’t paint a room! So obviously you should do that. Finally, you’re rid of that pain in the ass husband who used to tell you EVERY Christmas  Eve that you are NOT ALLOWED to paint a room today! He’s been holding you back all of these years from exercising your extreme room painting creativity. Also, in case you’ve forgotten, the author would like to remind you that you are alone. All alone.

8.  Remember that divorce shatters both partners’ self esteem. Ok, we’re not entirely clear what the point of this one is. We suppose it might shatter both partners’ self-esteem, but also maybe not. Possibly if your ex-wife is already re-married to a taller, more handsome, rich doctor, her self-esteem is actually doing just fine.

9.  Write your story. No, please, don’t.

Nothing says Christmas like the smell of fresh paint.

Nothing says Christmas like the smell of fresh paint.

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Wedding Day Red Flags

We weren’t going to blog today, seeing as it’s Flag Day and we know you’re all probably out, attending Flag Day barbeques, and watching Flag Day parades, and checking out those big Flag Day mattress sales.  But then we thought, what better day for a THEME blog?

You hear a lot about “red flags” in relationships.  They are, disappointingly, not real flags, but rather less tangible things that should serve as warning signs that you are in a bad relationship. Unfortunately, these flags are almost always completely invisible until after you are already divorced.

But love is blind.  And sometimes, “not love” is also blind.  Maybe a better way to say it is, “sometimes we are stupid.”

So in honor of Flag Day, we’ve compiled a cheeky little list of 5 Wedding Day Red Flags. (Somewhat based on actual events.)

5 WEDDING DAY RED FLAGS

1. Your parents’ tears of happiness look more sad than happy.

2. You/Your spouse’s emotional state during the wedding ceremony would best be described as “bored.”

3. People at the reception keep looking at you and saying things like “What’s wrong?” and “Are you okay?” and “Do you want to leave?”

4. You spend more time dancing with your new husband’s friends than with your new husband.

5. Come to think of it, your new husband is spending a lot of time dancing with your maid of honor…

An actual flag is much easier to spot than the fact that you and your spouse are horrible incompatible.

An actual flag is much easier to see than the fact that you and your spouse are horribly incompatible.

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Why Do Leprechauns Get Divorced?

We talk a lot about human divorce on this blog. And public opinion tells us that we talk too much about duck divorce.  But in honor of the upcoming holiday, we’re going to answer the burning question that we assume is on everyone’s mind: WHY DO LEPRECHAUNS GET DIVORCED?

leprechaundivorce

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Valentine’s Day Cards

For the Still-Married Couple

tonightdrunkcard

For a Very Special Mistress

wontseeyou

For Your Darling Ex-Husband

manilove

For Your Dear Ex-Wife

exwifegrowoldcard

For the Happy Couples in Your Life

shutupcard

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Surviving (your family during) The Holidays

If you have recently gone through a break-up or divorce, the holidays can be even more stressful than they normally are. Sure, you now have fewer presents to buy, which is WONDERFUL. But the major downside is you’ll likely have to attend many family gatherings where you will have to deal with forced sympathy and questions you don’t want to answer. Literally everyone you know will ask you how you’re feeling  and say things that seem to insinuate that your wife leaving you for the UPS man was all in God’s great plan. Here are some suggestions–consider them a holiday present from EGD to YOU—for what to do at family holiday gatherings to take the focus off of you.

 1.) Brush Up On Your Lying:
   One way to avoid the sympathy of others is to pretend your life has suddenly become fabulous. This is not the time for the truth. Talk about all of the vacations you’ve been going on. Talk about how you somehow managed to get a raise at work but were given less work to do. Tell stories about the sexy male models you are dating. When people inquire about WHERE your sexy male model boyfriend is, look at them as if they are pathetic and say: “He’s on a SHOOT. You wouldn’t understand.” If someone asks about your ex, your response should be swift and the kind of response that makes it seem like you might have actually gone crazy: “Who?”
2.) Make Everyone Else Feel Uncomfortable:
   You know how uncomfortable you feel when your second cousin asks you “What happened to Nick? Is Nick coming? Wait, did you BREAK UP!?” It’s time to turn the tables. Approach every young unmarried, un-engaged man in your family who is with his girlfriend and ask him (preferably in front of her) “So, when are you TYING THE KNOT?! You do PLAN to get ENGAGED, don’t you?”  Go up to every woman in your family of child bearing age and ask her if she’s pregnant. When she says no, INSIST that she must be wrong. Is your sister there with her new boyfriend? Great. Get into a long conversation with him. But call him by her former boyfriend’s name.
3.) Just Never Stop Eating:
   This is our favorite strategy. You can’t answer questions with a mouthful of cookies. Problem solved.
Plan B.

PLAN B.

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You’ve Had a Bad Year: 3 Tips for Writing a Christmas Letter

You probably don’t write a Christmas letter.  But we know you weirdos/people are out there.  And sometimes, when you look back on your life since last Christmas, it’s not all job promotions and weddings and fun vacations.  Sometimes, the year is better summarized by crying and therapy and splitting up flatware.  What we’re trying to say is that if you got divorced this year, your letter is going to suffer.  That’s why we want to give you a few tips for writing a Christmas letter.

1.  Avoid being too honest. That makes people uncomfortable.  You got divorced this year? Fine.  You can say that.  But you should avoid using phrases like “and just when I thought 2012 couldn’t get any worse…” or “working through the betrayal.”  Then again, you don’t have to mention your divorce at all.  Consider just phasing your spouse out of the letter.  People will probably get the idea after a few years.

2. Don’t go overboard trying to convince people that you’re FINE.  Actually, BETTER THAN FINE.  BEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, REALLY.  We see what you’re doing.   If you want your ex to find out that you hiked Machu Picchu and you’re dating a model, do it the old-fashioned way and make an album on Facebook and change the privacy to “public.”

3. Don’t write a Christmas letter. Just send a card with a picture of you and your model boyfriend/girlfriend at Machu Picchu.

surviving the holidays after divorce

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Holiday Gift Guide 2012: 10 DIY Gifts to Show Them You Don’t Care

It’s that time of year when holiday gift guides abound. And the internet is brimming with ideas for thoughtful gifts that fit every budget.  But those gift guides all assume that you LIKE the person you’re shopping for.  But what if you’re feeling a little… iffy? Let’s say you’re shopping for your spouse and maybe, just maybe, your marriage is on the rocks. What then?  Well, for starters, you’re definitely going to want to go the DIY route.  Homemade gifts are the best way to tell someone that you’re not really sure how you feel about them.  So, we bring you the EGD Holiday Gift Guide 2012.  Here are 10 DIY gifts that show how much you don’t really care.

EGD HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2012: DIY EDITION

1. Recycled T-Shirt Pom Poms

Can you believe that these don’t even require you to sew?  And think of all the uses!

diypompom

 

2. DIY Mug

Do you have a sharpie?  Do you have a mug?  Perfect.

diymug

3. Homemade Gift Basket

Here are some noodles and some store brand Italian seasoning.  I’ll be gone soon, but I don’t want you to starve.  Hopefully you can figure out how to cook pasta and put Ragu on it.

diypasta

4. Duct Tape Roses

Okay, this is really more of a Valentine’s gift, but it can still work. The important thing is that they’re roses and that they’re made of duct tape.

5. Fringe Scarf

You might not like the scarf, but at least I ruined a t-shirt to make it. I even cut out the pit stains.  For you.

diyfringescarf

6. Pencil Holder

Those  pencils aren’t going to hold themselves!  Also, don’t forget the final step (add the pencils to the container) or it might look like you’re just giving them a stupid empty jar!

diypencilholder

7. Soda Can Coasters

I have turned actual trash into something you’ll never use. Merry Christmas.

diycoasters

8. Exfoliating Foot Soap

NOTHING says ‘loveless marriage’ like homemade foot soap.

diyfootsoap

9. Wine Cork Pen

I jammed a pen through some corks.  Happy? P.S. I drink because of you.

diywine-cork-pens

10. The Gift of a Blog

A truly horrible gift for someone you hate.

diygiftofblog

Happy Holidays!

diyjessicamug

You know it’s true because Sharpie markers are PERMANENT.

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Asking Santa For a Divorce

The holidays are a stressful time.  They’re even more stressful if you’re trapped in a miserable marriage.  But if you’re into delaying the inevitable, as most of us are, you’re probably thinking that you’ll just wait until “after the holidays” to make any decisions.  And we understand that logic.  Mainly, because it demonstrates a lack of real logical thinking.  Because, if you think about it, there are always more holidays.  Sure, Christmas might be over, but then it’s New Years.  And then what about Valentine’s Day?  And, as you know, no one wants to get divorced when Flag Day is right around the corner.

But there are some practical aspects in deciding when the “right time” is.

Some things to consider:

1. Kids.  Do you have them?  Are you determined to give them one last magical happy family Christmas?  Okay. Fair enough. We know you’re not a monster.  Wait until January when everyone’s depressed anyway.

2. Future kids.  Do you happen to be a pregnant woman?  Are you insane?  You might be.  You may as well wait until the baby is outside of you.  If for no other reason, you’ll want to be able to drink safely when this all goes down.

3. Travel.  Are you flying somewhere for the holidays?  If so, is it with your spouse?  If so, are your plane tickets refundable?  Or can you at least make changes to your tickets for a nominal fee?

4. Gifts.  Have you already bought your spouse a gift?  Is it something you can return? If not, is it something you might like to keep for yourself?  Or, have you finally run out of ideas for gifts to give him/her and you figure that ending your marriage is your only option? On the flip-side, do you know what your spouse is getting you?  Maybe you accidentally went through their email and accidentally saw an order confirmation from Amazon?  Is this a gift you would still like to receive?  Think about it.

5.  In-laws.  Do you like them?  Would you maybe like one last chance to see them and say a goodbye (without telling them that you’re saying goodbye)? Or, do you hate them?  Do you hate them enough that the idea of NOT having to see them is reason enough to ask for a divorce?

6. Laziness.  Are you lazy?  Are you a big procrastinator, especially for unpleasant things like going to the DMV or paying medical bills?  If so, let’s face it – you’re definitely going to wait until after this holiday season.  You might even wait for several more holiday seasons to pass.

7. Miscellaneous. Does your husband normally dress up as Santa at your family’s Christmas party? Can you find a replacement on short notice?  Does your wife do all your gift wrapping? Do you have any idea how to wrap a gift? Do you always end up with an inch of box that is completely uncovered by paper?

So there you have it.  We can’t tell you what to do or when to do it.  But we’ve given you a lot to think about.  Just remember this: the time is never really right and no one cares how a gift is wrapped – it’s the inside that counts.

Nailed it.

 

 

 

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