Category Archives: Celebrity Divorce

Celebrity Splits 2012: A Year in Review

Well, it’s the end of the year, AGAIN. And as we ring in 2013, we sit and reflect on the biggest and most shocking celebrity splits of 2012.

1) “Most shocking” - Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman

Sure, they’re both disgusting to look at: but they were in LOVE. Or so we thought.  They split this year after 30 years of marriage (which, if you do the math, is actually 5,432 in “celebrity marriage” years.) But really, no celebrity split is SHOCKING. We only give it that label because we’re surprised one or both of them thought they could do better. We heard a rumor that Rhea left Danny because of his “womanizing ways”. Look at the picture below and try to wrap your mind around that.

Kim Kardashian baby

He only womanizes the blind.

2) ” Most ….whatever.” - Heidi Klum and Seal

So Heidi Klum is a beautiful super model and Seal (although he admittedly has a lovely singing voice) looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. It was only a matter of time before Heidi started up with her bodyguard. We also heard that Seal is kind of bossy and crazy. Oh, and he goes by “Seal.” So there’s that.

Kim Kardashian baby

Sexy.

3) “Most…erm…Lasted Longer Than We Thought It Would” - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Katie used to be cute on Dawson’s Creek. And then the only celebrity shorter than Danny Devito married her, put a baby in her, and used a magic Scientology machine to suck out all of her emotions. The thing we found most interesting about this split is that people seemed truly surprised by it. We hate to use our own motto (just kidding we love to), but everyone gets divorced. So no one’s divorce should REALLY surprise you. But especially not one between Tom Cruise and anybody.

Kim Kardashian baby

I don’t even know what to say.

4) “Least Original” - Katy Perry and Russell Brand

This was really the most typical celebrity marriage of them all. A sex addict?? A pop star?? Will he cheat?? Will she keep wearing outrageous wigs and fashions?? They’re both so wacky! Will they really be able to make it work?? The answer is no. Of course not. Of COURSE not.  Boring.

Kim Kardashian pregnant

Even they’re bored by their zaniness.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2013

We might not have told you this before, but we are like a two-headed Nostradamus when it comes to predicting celebrity splits. Here are our top four predictions for 2013:

1) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith: This marriage has allegedly been floundering for awhile. They both regularly deny that they are getting divorced, but we know better. There was a rumor that Jada had an affair with Jennifer Lopez’s ex, Marc Anthony. If you are stooping to the level of having an affair with Marc Anthony, you are truly miserable. Marc Anthony looks like the offspring of a rat and an ugly person.

2) Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman: We know, we know. You have no idea who her husband is. That’s ok, no one does. We put them on the list largely because Jessica finds Anne Hathaway extremely annoying, and she thinks she looks like a meerkat. But also because we are well aware that Anne Hathaway’s LAST boyfriend was a real estate scam artist currently serving time in prison. So we question her judgment.

3) Kanye West and Kim Kardashian: They’re not married yet, but we already know it’s not going to last. Kim Kardashian is incapable of being with any one person for too long because her mom doesn’t want her to. In order to stay relevant, she has to constantly be seen with new famous people. It isn’t HER fault that one of her sisters just keeps getting pregnant like a dummy, and her OTHER sister looks like a giant ugly monster. So the Kardashian family rightly puts their money on Kim to keep the family relevant. Expect Kim to date 5 to 6 new people in 2013, until she runs out of dudes with names that start with K. At which point, the world will end.

EDIT: We just found out Kim is pregnant with Kanye’s baby. First of all, who cares. But more importantly, they’re still breaking up. Sorry.  P.S. THIS WILL BE THE SHORTEST BABY IN THE WORLD.

4) Lindsay Lohan and Someone: We aren’t sure who Lindsay will divorce yet, because we aren’t sure who she will hastily marry. But Lindsay’s popularity has plummeted and we imagine she’s going to have to do something huge in 2013 to stay in the spotlight. So we predict a shotgun marriage, possibly a pregnancy, and definitely a divorce.

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EGD Consoles You

I think we’ll all remember where we were when we heard the news.  The news that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce. I, Jeanne, was at my computer. Jessica also was at her computer.

We know it’s probably been a rough week for all of you. Sure, we know that everyone gets divorced. But not DeVito and Perlman! They’ve been married for so long! They’re so small! They’re so strange-looking!  It’s impossible!

(*Fun fact: We originally wanted to buy the domain http://www.everyonegetsdivorcedexceptdannydevitoandrheaperlman.com.)

But, alas.  It happened.  (And we really dodged a bullet with the whole domain name.)  But this isn’t about us.  It’s about you. We know you’re hurting.  And we’re here to console you.  We’re here to console you about the life-altering separation of two tiny celebrities who you do not know.

  • It is NOT your fault.  Because you do not know Danny DeVito OR Rhea Perlman.  And they do not know you.
  • Just because Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce does NOT mean that they do not love you.  However, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman do not love you and they never have.  Because they don’t know you.
  • Your life is not going to change drastically as a result of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman’s divorce.  You will not have to move to a new house or go to a new school.  You can keep your beloved dog/cat too. This is because your life is, and always will be, entirely unaffected by the lives of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
  • You might feel better if you understood why this is happening.  Unfortunately for you, it is unlikely that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman will ever fully explain it to you, because they don’t know or care who you are.
celebrity divorce humor

If they couldn’t make it, what hope do the rest of us normal-looking, average-sized people have?

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Wife Auditions

You’ve probably heard the rumors that the Church of Scientology held “wife auditions” for Tom Cruise.  The church denies doing any such thing.  But we know for a fact, here at EGD, that it’s true.  We know this because we have the Scientology-approved wife judging criteria.

The Ideal Wife

  • Head: A wife’s skull should be fairly long, with a slight dome at the back part of the head. The skull should be relatively broad and full.There should be a distinct separation between the top and bottom of the face when seen from a profile.
    • The ears should reach almost to the end of the nose if drawn out straight, and they should be rounded at the tips.
    • The eyes (hazel or brown) should be large, set far apart, and have a gentle, pleading expression.
    • The muzzle should have a square shape.
    • Body: There should be no wrinkles in the skin around the neck and throat. The shoulders should slope downward into a relatively short back. The wife’s chest should be deep and broad but proportionate to the rest of the body.
    • Legs: The wife’s front legs should be straight, not crooked. The hips and thighs should be strong and muscular.
    • Tail: The tail needs to be fairly high on the rump and carried in a jaunty fashion, but it should not curve over the back.
    • Coat: The coat should be of a medium-length and lie close to the body. The coat should feel hard to the touch. No silky fur here.
    • Color: The standard is vague here, saying only that any recognized wife color is OK.

      Wife defects

      Among the defects that would cause a judge to disqualify a wife from consideration are the following:

        • A narrow skull
        • A cranium that’s too high
        • Small eyes
        • Protruding eyes
        • Excessively short ears
        • Ears set too high on the head
        • Ears that rise from their point of origin before falling
        • Excessive skin folding at the throat
        • Straight shoulders
        • Excessively deep or shallow chest
        • Swayed or excessively long back
        • Cow hocks

      She’s perfect.

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Formulas for Divorce

Today, we were just sitting here, thinking how lucky we are to be divorced. And how we’re in such good company because Charlize Theron, arguably, the most perfect woman on the planet, is also divorced. She’s beautiful! Flawless! Talented! Smart! But then we realized, that while she is all those things, she is not, TECHNICALLY, divorced. Apparently, she’s so smart, she never actually married her long-time partner. So, we thought, maybe we’re not in SUCH good company.

celebrity divorce

Disgusting.

But surely there are other perfect women who are divorced! But sadly, for us, Natalie Portman is not divorced either. (Yet.)

Fine, we say. They don’t have to be perfect. So we consulted the Maxim Hot 100 list. And you’ll be pleased to know there is no shortage of hot divorced women. We’ve got Olivia Wilde, for one. We then learned that Emmy Rossum is divorced, which came as something of a shock, because we were both under the impression that Emmy Rossum is 12. It turns out she is 25, but married a music executive when she was 21. And tragically, it did not work out. And that got our science brains thinking…

So using our brains and Wikipedia, we have detected some patterns.

We bring you: FORMULAS FOR DIVORCE.

divorce humor

 

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