Category Archives: Advice

May 22 2013
2 Comments
Advice

How to Deal: Other People’s Happiness

One of the worst things about being newly single is dealing with “wedding season.” (In case you’re not familiar, wedding season is when most people get married, usually falling somewhere around May through August, but also September through December and February through April.) It’s not that getting divorced makes you a horrible bitter person, but when it seems like everyone you know in the world is getting married or engaged, but your life is crumbling all around you, it’s hard to want to celebrate love.  It is quite easy to drown your sorrows in a jar of peanut butter, but we’ve been told that we prescribe that home remedy far too often, so we’re going to give you some non-nut-based tips for coping with other people’s happiness.

Tips for how to deal with EVERYONE YOU KNOW IN THE WORLD getting married or engaged when your life is crumbling all around you:

  • The name of the game is denial.
  • First clean up your Facebook. Hide all stories from every newly engaged or newly married friend. In fact, play defense and  hide stories from anyone who has been in some sort of committed like relationship for more than 90 days.
  • Warning: your Facebook newsfeed will get a lot more depressing, but that’s ok because you should spend less time on Facebook and more time in the world trying to meet someone richer/younger/hotter/older.
  • If you’re getting announcements in the mail, fire your mailman and move to Costa Rica with no forwarding address.
  • If your mom keeps calling you and telling you about cousins and friends and blah blah blah just got married or just had the cutest baby, DO NOT TRY TO FIRE YOUR MOM.  What you can do instead, is as soon as she starts talking like “do you remember SO AND SO?” just concentrate hard on something else like naming all the bones in the human body.  And if you’re already a bone doctor or something, think about something that you don’t understand like “Who is Demi Lovato?”
Time to commit this to memory.

Time to commit this to memory.

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May 09 2013
4 Comments
Advice, Lists

You can’t save your stupid marriage

Believe it or not, there are people out there that think they can save your doomed marriage from its inevitable divorce-y end. OK, they don’t ACTUALLY think that, but they think they can convince you of it and/or they want to sell you something. The people trying to sell you something are usually pastors, but not the real kind, the kind that appear on TV and try to sell you books. These TV pastors would be happy to sell you a book entitled something like ” HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE FROM THE BRINK OF DIVORCE BY FORCING THE DEVIL OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND ACCEPTING GOD’S LOVE” (note: We have no idea if this is a real book. But if it is, we think it’s stupid. To be safe, don’t buy any books that we haven’t written.) Other non-pastor people might write articles about saving your marriage, for seemingly no other reason than to make you feel like a failure. These people aren’t doing it for money, just for the satisfaction of feeling superior to you. Maybe one of these people *believes* she’s saved her own marriage from the brink of divorce, but what she doesn’t know is that the only reason her husband is acting happier now is that he has a secret 25 year old girlfriend.  Here’s the real deal, ladies and gentlemen: you can’t save your marriage from the brink of divorce. You CAN’T! If your marriage is already on the brink of divorce, it’s because someone (either you or your spouse) no longer cares. Maybe you or your spouse NEVER cared. Maybe you’ve both been miserable the whole time. Maybe you or your spouse fell in love with someone else. Or one of you just got bored and wants to start over. That’s ok. It happens. But don’t blame yourself. That isn’t going to help ANYONE.

Here is a list from a real, live,  article we found that provides you with a list of ways to save your marriage. The author gives 7 things you can do to save your marriage telling you that “chances are good” you can fix it even if you really feel it’s headed for divorce. This author is lying to you. Here are her 7 brilliant ideas:
1) Say “I love you”— Oh good, this will certainly help, right? If you haven’t said “I love you” to your spouse in five or so years, it DEFINITELY seems INCREDIBLY sincere when it comes out of your mouth out of the blue while you’re arguing about who will get to keep the grapefruit spoons and the dog. I’m sure that phrase will hold a great deal of meaning when you say it to your soon to be ex-husband after weeks of telling him he’s fat and you hate his back hair. Good thinking.
2) Accomplish Something Together— Here, the author actually suggests–FOR REAL– that you do yard work together or spruce up the bathroom. First of all, who actually uses the phrase “spruce up”? Secondly, we’ll give you one guess as to how many marriages have been saved by caulking a bathtub together. Yes, you guessed right.
3) Give a gift— This can be okay. It’s not going to save your marriage, but gifts are nice. However, we would change the suggestion just a bit. We should change it to “Receive a Gift”. There’s nothing wrong with a nice parting gift before you go your separate ways. Maybe a vacation or something. But not one that you have to go on together – that’s gross.
4) Have sex– If just reading this made you retch a little bit, your marriage is over. Our condolences.
5) Flirt-- Now, THIS one sounds fun! Who doesn’t like flirting? But is that really going to save your marriage? No. It’s not. Because flirting with someone who hates you or who you hate is not very effective. If your spouse doesn’t want to be with you anymore, no amount of flirting is going to change his or her mind. In fact, he or she will probably just feel sorry for you. You don’t want to be that person. The person who is the sad pathetic puppy dog, flirting away, while your spouse secretly looks for apartments on craigslist. Don’t be that puppy. Be a sexy puppy who gets divorced.
6) Take Over a Job— By this, the author means, if you are a man and your wife is always the one to do the dishes, maybe YOU should do the dishes. Granted, she’ll probably like it. But will she feel inclined to stay married to you because of it? Probably not. She’d probably rather just buy plasticware and divorce you. But nice try. We guess.
7) Commit— When the author says “commit” she apparently means do something like renew your vows or have a ceremony of some sort. Can you even wrap your mind around that? Here, let’s set the scene for you. You and your husband have been on the outs for months. Well, if you’re being honest, years. You don’t sleep in the same bed. You don’t have date nights. He stays up all night playing World of Warcraft and you chat with your friends online about how much you hate your life. He always forgets your anniversary. He’s been taking secret phone calls in the bathroom and you’re pretty sure he isn’t a government spy or anything that would explain it. You’re sad and unhappy. He’s sad and unhappy. So then you read an article online and decide to have a ceremony to recommit to each other. You say:
“Husband. I know we are living miserably, and have been for years. I know we’ve talked about divorce. But I think we should go out in the backyard and pick wild flowers. Then we should hand them to each other under a full moon and say vows to each other to re-commit to our marriage. I am sure this is the answer to our problems and will result in long lasting love.” He won’t hear you say this of course, because he is wearing headphones while playing World of Warcraft. But at least you tried, right? Ok. Now you can file.
Bathtub caulk: saving marriages since never.

Bathtub caulk: saving marriages since never.

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May 02 2013
2 Comments
Advice, Graphs

Is he cheating?

If you Google “I think my spouse is cheating on me” you will get approximately one million different webpages that purport to tell you how you can determine whether or not your spouse is cheating on you. We’re going to be real with you: if you Googled that, he or she probably is. But if you still aren’t sure, we’ve created a flow chart that might help:

Cheater

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Apr 25 2013
3 Comments
Advice

Nothing Helps: Tips on Combatting Divorce-Related Depression

If we know one thing here at EGD, it’s that nachos are the greatest food ever invented ever.  However, if we know one MORE thing, it’s that getting divorced is terrible and nothing anyone says or does is going to make you feel better.  That’s just the way it is.  But your friends, god bless ‘em, will still try.  No one likes to see you so sad.  It’s depressing.  We can’t even see you and it’s depressing.  We can just feel the depressing mopey energy coming through our computers.  That is how BLOGS WORK.

Anyhow, we say all this, because we, too, are your friends.  And we know that even though nothing is going to make you happy right now, it’s still worth a shot.  We want to make you happy, so we’re going to throw a bunch of ideas at you.  Most likely, they will all make you mad or sad or a frightening combination of the two.  But you never know.  Maybe, just maybe, something someone says actually WILL help.  But probably not.   Just hang in there, kitty on a tree branch.

SOME DUMB SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING WITH DEPRESSION:

1. Call a friend.  I mean, obviously, right?  But do it. Don’t just cry in bed.  Cry on the phone.  Or over Skype.  Or even in person.  Have lunch.  Have lunch with drinks.

2. Get some exercise.  I know – it is the WORST.  But allegedly, it helps people.  Even sad, pathetic people like you.  Tip from Jeanne: Set an attainable goal of 30 minutes, doing something easy.  Then just quit after 22 minutes.

3. Punch a pillow.  It sounds SUPER DUMB but of all the things you want to punch it is the least likely to get your arrested.  It is still possible to get arrested, especially if you are making a big pillow-punching scene in a Pier 1 Imports.

4. Keep a journal.  Even though everything about your life is terrible, try and write 5 things that you are grateful for.  (Hint: Nachos, nachos, nachos, nachos, and nachos.)

5. Just go to the pound and get a new spouse that looks exactly like the old one.

These potential new husbands have had all their shots.

These potential new husbands have had all their shots.

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Feb 20 2013
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Advice

Tips: How to Spice Down Your Marriage

We all know the tricks for spicing up your love life.  But what if you’re not in love?  How do you spice it DOWN?  How do you kill those last pesky shreds of romance in your marriage?

HOW TO SPICE DOWN YOUR MARRIAGE:

1. Surprise your spouse with a phone call at work.  Whisper, “”Thanks for leaving that bowl from dinner in the living room. It was a fun challenge trying to scrape out the caked on chili.”

2. Try new things. Like storming out of a NEW restaurant before the entrees even come.

3. Practice the long lost art of flirting.  With an attractive coworker.

4. Leave little notes around the house. Things like, “Can you try and remember to rinse out your bowl for a change?”

5. Stray from your normal routine.  Instead of going home after work, spend some time with an attractive coworker.

6. Make time to talk.  Talk about how you really don’t want to have a “date night.”

7. Invest in some new lingerie.  The kind that comes in a plastic 6-pack.

uglyunderwear

 

 

 

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Feb 01 2013
3 Comments
Advice

Tough Love: February

As you know by now, February is the most popular month for divorcing.  So what are you waiting for?  Oh, that’s right, you have a bunch of lame EXCUSES.  Well guess what – we don’t accept your excuses.  Watch how we use our tough love magic to turn your excuses into a pile of garbage.

“I’m scared.”

Scared? What are you, some stupid baby? Everything in life is scary because it ends with you dying. Just be a man (or WOMAN) already. You know what is scarier than getting divorced? Being miserable YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND THEN DYING STILL MISERABLE.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

Oh. Right. Because you are SUCH a prize. How selfless of you to worry about HURTING her. That’s probably why you stay up late every night so you can Facebook chat with that girl you dated for 4 months in college. How NICE of you to let her stay in this painless sham marriage.

“I want to wait until the kids are 18.”

GOOD IDEA. They’ll definitely turn out perfect this way.  And everyone knows that everything that happens after you turn 18 has no impact on the rest of your life.  Good thinking.

“Maybe things will get better.”

They won’t.

“But it’s almost Valentine’s Day.”

NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME.  Christmas is over and Flag Day is still months away. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN RIGHT NOW.  Forget about Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday in the world, even if you’re HAPPY. But when you aren’t happy and you have to pretend that you are, it’s even more horrible. Save yourself the trouble of buying one of those stupid little gifts that they sell by the checkout at Barnes and Noble.  A heart-shaped miniature zen garden was not going to save your marriage.

“But I work for her father.”

That is so so stupid. Don’t you have your OWN father to work for? You can get another job. Actually, you probably can’t. But you’d be surprised how much more appealing living in a box on the side of the road is to living at home with someone you kind of hate.

“My in-laws will hate me.”

Of COURSE they will.  But they probably already hate you, so cheer up.

“We have too many mutual friends.”

Just let them go.  You really only need one friend  Surely you can snag ONE FRIEND from the bunch.  Or maybe you can’t. In which case, don’t you have any COUSINS?  Sheesh.

Screen Shot 2013-02-01 at 11.10.51 AM

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Dec 04 2012
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Advice, Celebrity, Communication

Communicating with your Ex

A fan recently asked us a good question. This is notable because more often, fans ask us less good questions like “I want to get marry can u help me please?” Anyway, the good question was: “How do you tell your ex you’re involved with someone new?”

So we came up with a guide for telling your ex that you’re dating again. It’s real life advice, but since advice for living a real life is often quite boring, we’re also giving you the more exciting alternative “if your life was a movie” version as well.

A Guide to Telling Your Ex That You’re Dating Again:

1. If you have kids…

Real Life: Sharing children with your ex is the most compelling reason to tell them you are dating someone new. Why? Because if you don’t tell your ex, your kids will. Which of these two options sounds like it will cause conflict: Your 5-year-old daughter telling your ex wife that ” Daddy has a new friend who is prettier and taller and thinner than you” or a calm, rational discussion with your ex that explains that you have been seeing someone, and you’d like to introduce him or her to the kids? Trick question. They’ll both cause conflict. But at least if you do the latter, you can pretend you’ve taken some higher moral ground.

Movie Version: Make sure that your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a spare kidney and is an organ donor match for your ex-spouse. Also, be sure your ex-spouse has a terminal kidney disease. I think you see where this is going…Ex-spouse is dying, new lover enters, lover offers kidney to ex-spouse, BOOM. Everyone is friends. Everyone wins, but especially you.

2. If you’re still “friends”…

Real Life: First of all, why are you still friends with your ex? If you’re one of those people who goes to the occasional lunch with their ex and says things like “I don’t understand why we WOULDN’T be friends – we were MARRIED after all!” then we have no respect for you and don’t understand you. You don’t need our advice. You’re such good PALS this shouldn’t be any problem at all. Just tell your ex-husband “friend” that you’re getting remarried over a beer, just like you would any old buddy. You crazy kids.

Movie Version: You’re out to lunch with your ex. RIGHT when you are about to say “Guess what? I’m dating someone new” over a couple of watercress sandwiches your ex SIMULTANEOUSLY says ” I’m still in love with you.” Uh oh. Guess you shouldn’t have tried to be friends after all! Dummy.

3. If you’re still “seeing each other” for some ungodly reason…

Real Life: Stop that.

Movie Version: STOP IT.

4. If you’re totally through except for the occasional email about insurance or bills…

Real Life: THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE NEW.

Movie Version: In the movie version, you are Reese Witherspoon and you occasionally email your handsome ex-husband, Matthew McConaughey. One day you sit pensively at your computer before composing an e-mail telling handsome-ex that you are now dating someone very handsome but slightly less likeable, like, Christian Bale. Upon receiving this email, handsome-ex sets off on a trip across America where he reflects a lot on the mistakes he made with you and, more importantly, learns to love himself. All the while, Christian Bale proves himself to be even less likeable than we originally thought. He probably yells at a waitress or something and you have doubts about whether he’s the man for you. Months later, you run into handsome-Matthew-ex–randomly– at a small Parisian cafe. He just so happens to have your favorite kind of flowers (orchids) which he presents to you as he makes a speech about his undying love for you, loud enough for everyone to hear. You smile and throw your hand up to your tiny, yet strangely pointed Reese Witherspoon-y chin. You tell Christian Bale to go be Batman somewhere else, and you jump into Matthew McConaughey’s arms and tell him you’ve always loved him, and then whisper in his ear that you’d really appreciate it if he would work on getting back into “Magic Mike” shape.

5. If you have deleted their number and blocked them from Facebook…

Real Life: We aren’t aware of any methods of communication that don’t involve Facebook or cell phones. We don’t know, maybe write your ex a letter? Do people still do that? Take out an ad in the newspaper? Rent billboard space? This could get expensive, so be sure to win the lottery first.

Movie version: This situation is too boring to ever be a sub-plot to a movie. Sorry that you’re so boring.

rotary-phone

If you’re one of those people who is too “cool” to communicate with Facebook or email or cellphones, just use one of these. Whatever it is.

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Oct 31 2012
3 Comments
Advice, Lists

Halloween Costume Tips

Well, it’s Halloween, the second best holiday after Flag Day.  We know that you might be tempted to re-purpose your old wedding gown into a costume.  And sure, you could  fashion it into a very nice zombie bride (or “ex-wife”) costume.  And we understand that temptation.  Because it was probably very expensive and you feel like you should get to wear it again.  And you probably think you’re very clever.

But, you might want to consider…not doing that.  Halloween is a great time to meet people.  New people.  And while we’re sure it’s a very nice dress and a good conversation starter, if you go to a party and your costume results in you discussing your failed marriage, it is also a good conversation ender.

britney spears divorced

Pre-divorce Britney is more fun.

So instead of being that person, try one of these, and really COMMIT to the costume.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS THAT WILL NOT LEAD TO DISCUSSING YOUR FAILED MARRIAGE:
  • A nurse who is not bitter.
  • A sexy cat who does not have a court date next Monday.
  • A batman who is not paying child support.
  • A zombie who does not drink alone.
  • A flapper who did not waste the best years of her life.
  • A taco who did not get totally screwed by the lawyer.
  • A bumblebee.
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Oct 01 2012
4 Comments
Advice, Decision Making, Moving on, Next time

Finding “the one”

Here at EGD we talk a lot about divorce. Mostly because we paid real money for a web address with the word “divorced” in it. But what we don’t talk about often enough is finding the perfect man or woman for a potential  successful marriage (be it your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th attempt at such a thing). A marriage that might actually not end in divorce. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: BUT EVERYONE GETS DIVORCED. That’s true in almost every situation. But there are some freaks out there. For example, both of us have sets of parents that are still married and have been basically forever. We’re pretty sure they’re lying to us because we did some math and their claims seem scientifically impossible. We’re also both nearly convinced that we’re adopted because we are so much more attractive than our brothers, but that’s a story for another website we might buy one day.

We wanted to put together a simple list for you, our fans, that would help you know if your new boyfriend or girlfriend is..”THE ONE”  (well…”the one” after the last “one”).

Here’s what it boils down to:

1) If you need to Google whether or not you should marry someone, don’t marry them. If you have to use a Magic Eight ball, that’s fine. That’s a completely different thing.

2) Marry almost ANY person who learned to play golf, polo, or who dabbled in fencing when they were still a child. This person is rich.

3) Do not marry a person who uses the word “dabbled”. This person is smug and thinks they’re better than you.

4) If ,when looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend, you begin to feel that the babies you might one day create together will be too ugly for you to love unconditionally… the two of you shouldn’t get married.

5) And under NO circumstances should you ever agree to marry a person who– if offered three wishes– would not use one of those wishes to gain the power of flight.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a person like that.

funny divorce blog

Always marry a doctor. You shouldn’t even have to ask.

Tagged
Sep 12 2012
2 Comments
Advice, Encouragement

Stop Procrastinating

Procrastinating is fine, for little things.  Like filing your taxes or going to the post office or buying a new electric toothbrush head.  But if you’re thinking about getting divorced/leaving your significant other, there’s no time like the present.   And we know.  WE KNOW.  You can’t do it NOW.  NOW ISN’T A GOOD TIME.  Well, that’s probably true.  And you’re always going to find excuses to stay with someone.

EXCUSES FOR STAYING TOGETHER:

1. You’re going to prom in 3 weeks.

2. You have a vacation planned in 2 months.

3. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

4. Now Christmas is right around the corner.

5. You have plans for New Year’s.

6. Now Valentine’s Day is coming up and that seems sad.

See? It’s mostly holidays that are forcing us to be miserable. But there’s always going to be something coming up.  And these are just the things you KNOW about.  Unfortunately, in life, there are a lot of unpleasant surprises too.  And if you’re unhappy in your relationship, chances are, that’s not going to change.  But here are some things that CAN change.  Because the thing is, there’s never a good time to leave someone.  But there can always be a WORSE time to leave someone.

WORSE TIMES TO LEAVE SOMEONE:

1. After they get a speeding ticket.

2. After they lose their job.

3. After their cat dies.

4. After their father dies.

5. After they contract rabies.

So what are you supposed to do?  Well, you can hope they drive carefully and take really good care of that cat and pray a lot and keep them away from suspicious raccoons.  Or you can just bite the bullet and do what you probably need to do.  Because once your boyfriend loses his job or your girlfriend’s cat dies or your husband’s parent becomes ill, you are STUCK, for an undetermined amount of time proportionate to whatever the tragedy is.  And we know you’re not a terrible person. (Probably.) We know that you would feel bad for the normal reasons if any of these things were to happen.  But on top of that, you’re not going to be able to leave for a while.
So stop procrastinating.

best time to get divorced

If you can just hang in there through the holidays, Mr. Boots…

Note to People Who Suspect Their Spouse Is Unhappy:  If you think your spouse or significant other  is close to leaving you, you can use this to your advantage.  It’s manipulative, but it will delay the inevitable. 

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO DELAY THE INEVITABLE:

1. Speed all the time.

2. Under-perform at your job.

3. Kill your cat.

4. Encourage every member of your family to “take up smoking.”

5. Hang out with suspicious raccoons.

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