Monthly Archives: February 2013

Divorce FAQs: Your Health

Q: Are there activities I should avoid while divorcing? Do more of?

A: It is very important to engage in alcohol consumption. Do more of that. Steer clear of not drinking.  Avoid activities where there will be no drinking, like Mormon weddings, AA meetings, and some children’s birthday parties.

Q: How much weight should I gain during divorce?

A: What does it matter? You’ll never fall in love again anyway. A hundred pounds? A thousand? Whatever.

Q: How can I safely exercise while divorce?

A: You can’t. If you try to you’ll die. Just stay on the couch and make sure you don’t have to sit up to reach the tv remote.

Q: When should I call my doctor during divorce?

A: That depends. Is he handsome? Single? Does he like to drink?

Q: How can I prepare for breastfeeding  after divorce?

A: That doesn’t make any sense.

vitamins

Avoid taking these on an empty stomach. Fill it with booze first.

 

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Tips: How to Spice Down Your Marriage

We all know the tricks for spicing up your love life.  But what if you’re not in love?  How do you spice it DOWN?  How do you kill those last pesky shreds of romance in your marriage?

HOW TO SPICE DOWN YOUR MARRIAGE:

1. Surprise your spouse with a phone call at work.  Whisper, “”Thanks for leaving that bowl from dinner in the living room. It was a fun challenge trying to scrape out the caked on chili.”

2. Try new things. Like storming out of a NEW restaurant before the entrees even come.

3. Practice the long lost art of flirting.  With an attractive coworker.

4. Leave little notes around the house. Things like, “Can you try and remember to rinse out your bowl for a change?”

5. Stray from your normal routine.  Instead of going home after work, spend some time with an attractive coworker.

6. Make time to talk.  Talk about how you really don’t want to have a “date night.”

7. Invest in some new lingerie.  The kind that comes in a plastic 6-pack.

uglyunderwear

 

 

 

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Valentine’s Day Cards

For the Still-Married Couple

tonightdrunkcard

For a Very Special Mistress

wontseeyou

For Your Darling Ex-Husband

manilove

For Your Dear Ex-Wife

exwifegrowoldcard

For the Happy Couples in Your Life

shutupcard

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Immature Responses to Hurtful Statements

When you’re going through the process of splitting up, you’re going to hear some hurtful things.  Because the truth hurts.  If you’re a woman, your natural inclination will be to cry. And if you’re a man, well, we don’t know.  You’ll probably want to lift weights or punch a wall or barbeque something.

But isn’t the more satisfying thing to just be equally hurtful and more immature?  Now, you may never get the chance to actually SAY any of these things, and we’re not really trying to encourage you to be immature, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

Some Hurtful Statements and Immature Responses

THEY SAY: “I just don’t know what I want.”

YOU SAY: “DO YOU WANT A KICK IN THE CROTCH PARTS?”

THEY SAY: “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”

YOU SAY: “I find all of your friends significantly more attractive than I find you.”

THEY SAY: “Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life.”

YOU SAY: “Your haircut is the biggest mistake of your life.”

THEY SAY: “You’re just not the man/woman I fell in love with.”

YOU SAY: “I don’t even know if you’re the woman/man I fell in love with because I was very drunk for that entire first year.”

THEY SAY: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

YOU SAY: “I lied when I said your voice doesn’t sound weird on tape.  Your voice sounds REALLY weird on tape.”

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Antidepressant Commercial

We all have bad days.  And sometimes, when you’re having a bad day, it just feels good to write your own, extremely realistic antidepressant commercial.  Right? No?  Just us?  Okay.

A REALISTIC ANTIDEPRESSANT COMMERCIAL

Do you feel like your ship is sinking?  Like nothing really matters?

You may have a medical condition.

Do you buy lottery tickets thinking that maybe, just maybe, they will somehow change your life for the better?

It could be depression.

Did you start off playing Powerball but after a while that seemed like too lofty a goal, so you switched to the state lottery, and now you’re actually buying scratchers on a semi-regular basis?

We can help.

Do you cry when you get an email from your mom with the subject “Adorable Sea Otter!” and then when you click on the link, it’s just a broken link? Not that you really wanted to see the picture, but you really just can’t handle any more disappointments?

You’re not alone.

Do you sometimes feel so lonely that you find yourself perusing the ‘strictly platonic’ personals section of Craigslist?

You might need medical attention.

Is the best part of your day when the Nyquil kicks in and you finally fall into a thick sweaty sleep for almost 10 hours?

A prescription antidepressant may be right for you.

Is the second best part of your day eating a bowl of soup for lunch?

Ask your doctor about Glowbutrin.

With Glowbutrin, you won’t have as many “bad days.”  Like that day when you had a momentary bout of happiness when you realized, hey, at least you don’t have to file a tax return this year because you didn’t even come CLOSE to meeting the minimum income requirement last year – in fact, you only made 667 dollars before your unemployment ran out, only to then realize that this is not where you thought you’d be at this stage of your life.

You’ll feel hope.  And not just that kind of hope like when you see that you have a new email, but it turns out to be an update from Linkedin and then you’re even sadder than when you thought no one was emailing you at all.

You’ll feel more like yourself again.  Instead of feeling like a person who almost got a job as a receptionist at a hair salon, but didn’t end up getting the job because apparently they thought you knew Quickbooks, and you don’t know Quickbooks.  You’ll probably never know Quickbooks!

Call your doctor now. Because you seriously can’t take it anymore.

Rock bottom.

Rock bottom.

 

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Tough Love: February

As you know by now, February is the most popular month for divorcing.  So what are you waiting for?  Oh, that’s right, you have a bunch of lame EXCUSES.  Well guess what – we don’t accept your excuses.  Watch how we use our tough love magic to turn your excuses into a pile of garbage.

“I’m scared.”

Scared? What are you, some stupid baby? Everything in life is scary because it ends with you dying. Just be a man (or WOMAN) already. You know what is scarier than getting divorced? Being miserable YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND THEN DYING STILL MISERABLE.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

Oh. Right. Because you are SUCH a prize. How selfless of you to worry about HURTING her. That’s probably why you stay up late every night so you can Facebook chat with that girl you dated for 4 months in college. How NICE of you to let her stay in this painless sham marriage.

“I want to wait until the kids are 18.”

GOOD IDEA. They’ll definitely turn out perfect this way.  And everyone knows that everything that happens after you turn 18 has no impact on the rest of your life.  Good thinking.

“Maybe things will get better.”

They won’t.

“But it’s almost Valentine’s Day.”

NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME.  Christmas is over and Flag Day is still months away. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN RIGHT NOW.  Forget about Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday in the world, even if you’re HAPPY. But when you aren’t happy and you have to pretend that you are, it’s even more horrible. Save yourself the trouble of buying one of those stupid little gifts that they sell by the checkout at Barnes and Noble.  A heart-shaped miniature zen garden was not going to save your marriage.

“But I work for her father.”

That is so so stupid. Don’t you have your OWN father to work for? You can get another job. Actually, you probably can’t. But you’d be surprised how much more appealing living in a box on the side of the road is to living at home with someone you kind of hate.

“My in-laws will hate me.”

Of COURSE they will.  But they probably already hate you, so cheer up.

“We have too many mutual friends.”

Just let them go.  You really only need one friend  Surely you can snag ONE FRIEND from the bunch.  Or maybe you can’t. In which case, don’t you have any COUSINS?  Sheesh.

Screen Shot 2013-02-01 at 11.10.51 AM

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