Monthly Archives: January 2013

Why Do People Cheat?

Why People Cheat

1. Low self-esteem

2. Just to prove that they can.

3. Because they play those video games where people cheat.

4. Facebook.

5. Because they don’t feel attractive.

6. Because they feel so attractive they just want to share it with the world.

7. Because humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.

8. There was a Groupon for cheating.

9. So they could drive in the carpool lane.

10. Because they are a pumpkin eater.

These people are really bad at cheating.

These people are really bad at cheating.

 

 

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The New Divorcee: Movie vs. Reality

Movie

8:00 AM– Wake up, wash face with mineral water and apricot scrub exfoliant. Moisturize entire body.
8:15 AM– Eat three egg whites and half of a grapefruit with Splenda.
8:45 AM– Walk into work, manage to look professional and effortlessly beautiful.
9:00 AM- 5:00 PM– Get compliments and praise throughout the day. Make witty jokes about your ex to the delight of everyone around you. Leave work, but when entering elevator, trip embarrassingly. What a day!
5:15 PM- Get home, stare out window. Catch yourself wistfully thinking about ex, but snap out of it and do some pilates to busy yourself.
6:00 PM– Tall, handsome, rich man (who you met whence tripping in elevator) calls with last-minute dinner invite. Scramble to get ready. Good thing you already did your pilates!
7:30 PM– Enjoy luxurious dinner complete with amuse-bouche, appetizers, cocktails and desserts. Hold hands and smooch unbelievably attractive man.
9:30 PM— Because you’re a classy lady, accept a goodnight kiss at the door, but explain that you need to take things slow. Man understands.
10:30 PM– Crawl into bed and catch up on your reading: French Vogue, The Economist, The New York Times.
11:00 PM– Take a quick glance at the remaining framed wedding photo on your nightstand. Brief wistful moment. Turn picture over, and fall into a peaceful sleep.

Reality

8:46 AM– Wake up, realize you drunkenly hit snooze for 45 minutes and are late for work already.
8:48 AM— Look in mirror. Shudder. Decide to just wear a scarf over your head like a cancer patient instead of trying to tame whatever has become of your hair. Realize that your breath smells distinctly of gin, but you don’t have time to brush your teeth AND eat, so you’ll just settle for breath that smells like a sausage egg mcmuffin, which you will pick up on your way to work. You are already wearing your work clothes from yesterday, so no need to change. Three cheers for time-saving!
9:18— Walk into work late, looking and smelling sort of homeless. Endure evil looks from your co-workers as they whisper behind your back, angry at your tardiness and your lack of professionalism.
9:18— 5:00 PM— Accomplish almost nothing. Take various involuntary “naps” at your desk only to be awoken by your best friend texting you to ask if you’ve seen her driver’s license because she thinks she either left it at that last bar you were at last night, or, she might have sold it to a teenager for cash to buy more drinks after she realized she lost her credit card.
5:15 PM— Get home. Log onto match.com to see if anyone has expressed interest. Notice three “winks” from men older than your father who aren’t even rich. Log onto your secret Facebook account to stalk your ex-husband. Scowl at his profile picture because he’s smiling. The nerve.
6:00 PM– Meet your friend at that one bar with the really long happy hour and half price appetizers.
6:00 PM– 2ish AM— Drink. Eat nachos. Drink. Accept drinks from a man who introduced himself by licking your ear. Eventually tell man that you need him to take his tongue out of your ear. Man does not understand.
3:00 AM–Arrive home in a taxi because your friend remembered your address. Lay down on kitchen floor and make mental note NOT to fall asleep here because you really need to set an alarm for work.

Stupid movie breakfast.

Stupid movie breakfast.

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Bad Guys Ask For Divorces

Well, it’s January, and that means divorce season is upon us! January is one of the most popular months to initiate a divorce. Why, you ask? Because the holidays are over, and you’re off the hook. It’s hard to pull the trigger when you’re getting ready to light the menorah or open presents under the tree.  And no one wants to put a damper on the druid winter solstice festival!

By the way, if you’re one of those people who has decided to end your marriage, and you made it though the entire holiday season pretending that everything is FINE, we would like to congratulate you. That’s like finishing a marathon and you deserve a Snickers bar.

And now you’re almost ready to make your move. But you’re nervous – how do you ask for a divorce without looking like the bad guy? To put it bluntly: you don’t. No matter WHAT you do, if you ask for a divorce, a certain number of people will think you’re an asshole. And maybe you’ve behaved in a way to make people think that. But even if you haven’t, it doesn’t matter. What we’re saying is, even if you DIDN’T have a mistress/mister, you should have, because people will assume that you did. Your image is going to be tarnished either way.  You’re just going to have to live with that.

Now, you can try a do-gooder counterattack.  Volunteer at a hospital.  Take puppies to visit veterans.  Get involved in lots of very public, very undeniably good-guy causes, preferably involving kittens.  Of course, it might not stop people from thinking you’re a jerk. Especially if you did something really jerky.  For instance, if you told your wife she’s too fat for you and then left her on her birthday for a 19-year-old “dancer,” you’re probably going to have to move to the third world and take care of AIDS babies for the rest of your life.  And guess what?  Most people will still think you’re a monster.

So the point is, if you’re a good person, you’re still a good person.  Try not to let what other people think get you down.  And if you’re a terrible person, you probably don’t care what people think, so you’re not going to go to all this trouble.

They see right through you.

They see right through you.

 

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An Open Letter to Baby Kardashian West

Dear Kristal,

We just wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the world!  Your parents, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, would like to welcome you as well, but they’re very busy being moguls of things.

Oh your name?  Yes, it IS Kristal.   See, you were named after a very special champagne.  It used to be called Cristal, but your parents bought the company so that they could change the official spelling.  FOR YOU.  Your dad wanted to name you Jesus Christ, but your mommy was 95% sure that a J is NOT a K.  So they compromised and named you after the champagne, because that’s what marriage is about – champagne.

Speaking of marriage, we really enjoyed your toast at your parents’ wedding.  Oh, no, we weren’t there.  But it was televised, of course!  You’ll get used to that, little one!!  It was really a great speech.  And believe it or not, it was actually the first time that an unborn baby delivered a wedding toast via hologram.  I know, I know.  It’s hard to believe since it’s so common NOW, but you were a real pioneer in the fetal hologram field.

Now, Kristal, as you grow older, it’s natural to want to learn more about where you came from.  And that’s fine.  But for your own sake, try not to read mommy’s Wikipedia entry.  More specifically, the 2007-08 section.  It doesn’t matter,  WHY she’s famous.  She just IS, okay?

Good luck, baby.

Fondly,

Jeanne & Jessica
http://www.everyonegetsdivorced.com

Kim Kardashian baby

That’s cool baby boy /girl, do ya thang.

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