Monthly Archives: December 2012

Celebrity Splits 2012: A Year in Review

Well, it’s the end of the year, AGAIN. And as we ring in 2013, we sit and reflect on the biggest and most shocking celebrity splits of 2012.

1) “Most shocking” - Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman

Sure, they’re both disgusting to look at: but they were in LOVE. Or so we thought.  They split this year after 30 years of marriage (which, if you do the math, is actually 5,432 in “celebrity marriage” years.) But really, no celebrity split is SHOCKING. We only give it that label because we’re surprised one or both of them thought they could do better. We heard a rumor that Rhea left Danny because of his “womanizing ways”. Look at the picture below and try to wrap your mind around that.

Kim Kardashian baby

He only womanizes the blind.

2) ” Most ….whatever.” – Heidi Klum and Seal

So Heidi Klum is a beautiful super model and Seal (although he admittedly has a lovely singing voice) looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. It was only a matter of time before Heidi started up with her bodyguard. We also heard that Seal is kind of bossy and crazy. Oh, and he goes by “Seal.” So there’s that.

Kim Kardashian baby

Sexy.

3) “Most…erm…Lasted Longer Than We Thought It Would” - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Katie used to be cute on Dawson’s Creek. And then the only celebrity shorter than Danny Devito married her, put a baby in her, and used a magic Scientology machine to suck out all of her emotions. The thing we found most interesting about this split is that people seemed truly surprised by it. We hate to use our own motto (just kidding we love to), but everyone gets divorced. So no one’s divorce should REALLY surprise you. But especially not one between Tom Cruise and anybody.

Kim Kardashian baby

I don’t even know what to say.

4) “Least Original” - Katy Perry and Russell Brand

This was really the most typical celebrity marriage of them all. A sex addict?? A pop star?? Will he cheat?? Will she keep wearing outrageous wigs and fashions?? They’re both so wacky! Will they really be able to make it work?? The answer is no. Of course not. Of COURSE not.  Boring.

Kim Kardashian pregnant

Even they’re bored by their zaniness.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2013

We might not have told you this before, but we are like a two-headed Nostradamus when it comes to predicting celebrity splits. Here are our top four predictions for 2013:

1) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith: This marriage has allegedly been floundering for awhile. They both regularly deny that they are getting divorced, but we know better. There was a rumor that Jada had an affair with Jennifer Lopez’s ex, Marc Anthony. If you are stooping to the level of having an affair with Marc Anthony, you are truly miserable. Marc Anthony looks like the offspring of a rat and an ugly person.

2) Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman: We know, we know. You have no idea who her husband is. That’s ok, no one does. We put them on the list largely because Jessica finds Anne Hathaway extremely annoying, and she thinks she looks like a meerkat. But also because we are well aware that Anne Hathaway’s LAST boyfriend was a real estate scam artist currently serving time in prison. So we question her judgment.

3) Kanye West and Kim Kardashian: They’re not married yet, but we already know it’s not going to last. Kim Kardashian is incapable of being with any one person for too long because her mom doesn’t want her to. In order to stay relevant, she has to constantly be seen with new famous people. It isn’t HER fault that one of her sisters just keeps getting pregnant like a dummy, and her OTHER sister looks like a giant ugly monster. So the Kardashian family rightly puts their money on Kim to keep the family relevant. Expect Kim to date 5 to 6 new people in 2013, until she runs out of dudes with names that start with K. At which point, the world will end.

EDIT: We just found out Kim is pregnant with Kanye’s baby. First of all, who cares. But more importantly, they’re still breaking up. Sorry.  P.S. THIS WILL BE THE SHORTEST BABY IN THE WORLD.

4) Lindsay Lohan and Someone: We aren’t sure who Lindsay will divorce yet, because we aren’t sure who she will hastily marry. But Lindsay’s popularity has plummeted and we imagine she’s going to have to do something huge in 2013 to stay in the spotlight. So we predict a shotgun marriage, possibly a pregnancy, and definitely a divorce.

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Surviving (your family during) The Holidays

If you have recently gone through a break-up or divorce, the holidays can be even more stressful than they normally are. Sure, you now have fewer presents to buy, which is WONDERFUL. But the major downside is you’ll likely have to attend many family gatherings where you will have to deal with forced sympathy and questions you don’t want to answer. Literally everyone you know will ask you how you’re feeling  and say things that seem to insinuate that your wife leaving you for the UPS man was all in God’s great plan. Here are some suggestions–consider them a holiday present from EGD to YOU—for what to do at family holiday gatherings to take the focus off of you.

 1.) Brush Up On Your Lying:
   One way to avoid the sympathy of others is to pretend your life has suddenly become fabulous. This is not the time for the truth. Talk about all of the vacations you’ve been going on. Talk about how you somehow managed to get a raise at work but were given less work to do. Tell stories about the sexy male models you are dating. When people inquire about WHERE your sexy male model boyfriend is, look at them as if they are pathetic and say: “He’s on a SHOOT. You wouldn’t understand.” If someone asks about your ex, your response should be swift and the kind of response that makes it seem like you might have actually gone crazy: “Who?”
2.) Make Everyone Else Feel Uncomfortable:
   You know how uncomfortable you feel when your second cousin asks you “What happened to Nick? Is Nick coming? Wait, did you BREAK UP!?” It’s time to turn the tables. Approach every young unmarried, un-engaged man in your family who is with his girlfriend and ask him (preferably in front of her) “So, when are you TYING THE KNOT?! You do PLAN to get ENGAGED, don’t you?”  Go up to every woman in your family of child bearing age and ask her if she’s pregnant. When she says no, INSIST that she must be wrong. Is your sister there with her new boyfriend? Great. Get into a long conversation with him. But call him by her former boyfriend’s name.
3.) Just Never Stop Eating:
   This is our favorite strategy. You can’t answer questions with a mouthful of cookies. Problem solved.
Plan B.

PLAN B.

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You’ve Had a Bad Year: 3 Tips for Writing a Christmas Letter

You probably don’t write a Christmas letter.  But we know you weirdos/people are out there.  And sometimes, when you look back on your life since last Christmas, it’s not all job promotions and weddings and fun vacations.  Sometimes, the year is better summarized by crying and therapy and splitting up flatware.  What we’re trying to say is that if you got divorced this year, your letter is going to suffer.  That’s why we want to give you a few tips for writing a Christmas letter.

1.  Avoid being too honest. That makes people uncomfortable.  You got divorced this year? Fine.  You can say that.  But you should avoid using phrases like “and just when I thought 2012 couldn’t get any worse…” or “working through the betrayal.”  Then again, you don’t have to mention your divorce at all.  Consider just phasing your spouse out of the letter.  People will probably get the idea after a few years.

2. Don’t go overboard trying to convince people that you’re FINE.  Actually, BETTER THAN FINE.  BEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, REALLY.  We see what you’re doing.   If you want your ex to find out that you hiked Machu Picchu and you’re dating a model, do it the old-fashioned way and make an album on Facebook and change the privacy to “public.”

3. Don’t write a Christmas letter. Just send a card with a picture of you and your model boyfriend/girlfriend at Machu Picchu.

surviving the holidays after divorce

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Holiday Gift Guide 2012: 10 DIY Gifts to Show Them You Don’t Care

It’s that time of year when holiday gift guides abound. And the internet is brimming with ideas for thoughtful gifts that fit every budget.  But those gift guides all assume that you LIKE the person you’re shopping for.  But what if you’re feeling a little… iffy? Let’s say you’re shopping for your spouse and maybe, just maybe, your marriage is on the rocks. What then?  Well, for starters, you’re definitely going to want to go the DIY route.  Homemade gifts are the best way to tell someone that you’re not really sure how you feel about them.  So, we bring you the EGD Holiday Gift Guide 2012.  Here are 10 DIY gifts that show how much you don’t really care.

EGD HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2012: DIY EDITION

1. Recycled T-Shirt Pom Poms

Can you believe that these don’t even require you to sew?  And think of all the uses!

diypompom

 

2. DIY Mug

Do you have a sharpie?  Do you have a mug?  Perfect.

diymug

3. Homemade Gift Basket

Here are some noodles and some store brand Italian seasoning.  I’ll be gone soon, but I don’t want you to starve.  Hopefully you can figure out how to cook pasta and put Ragu on it.

diypasta

4. Duct Tape Roses

Okay, this is really more of a Valentine’s gift, but it can still work. The important thing is that they’re roses and that they’re made of duct tape.

5. Fringe Scarf

You might not like the scarf, but at least I ruined a t-shirt to make it. I even cut out the pit stains.  For you.

diyfringescarf

6. Pencil Holder

Those  pencils aren’t going to hold themselves!  Also, don’t forget the final step (add the pencils to the container) or it might look like you’re just giving them a stupid empty jar!

diypencilholder

7. Soda Can Coasters

I have turned actual trash into something you’ll never use. Merry Christmas.

diycoasters

8. Exfoliating Foot Soap

NOTHING says ‘loveless marriage’ like homemade foot soap.

diyfootsoap

9. Wine Cork Pen

I jammed a pen through some corks.  Happy? P.S. I drink because of you.

diywine-cork-pens

10. The Gift of a Blog

A truly horrible gift for someone you hate.

diygiftofblog

Happy Holidays!

diyjessicamug

You know it’s true because Sharpie markers are PERMANENT.

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Communicating with your Ex

A fan recently asked us a good question. This is notable because more often, fans ask us less good questions like “I want to get marry can u help me please?” Anyway, the good question was: “How do you tell your ex you’re involved with someone new?”

So we came up with a guide for telling your ex that you’re dating again. It’s real life advice, but since advice for living a real life is often quite boring, we’re also giving you the more exciting alternative “if your life was a movie” version as well.

A Guide to Telling Your Ex That You’re Dating Again:

1. If you have kids…

Real Life: Sharing children with your ex is the most compelling reason to tell them you are dating someone new. Why? Because if you don’t tell your ex, your kids will. Which of these two options sounds like it will cause conflict: Your 5-year-old daughter telling your ex wife that ” Daddy has a new friend who is prettier and taller and thinner than you” or a calm, rational discussion with your ex that explains that you have been seeing someone, and you’d like to introduce him or her to the kids? Trick question. They’ll both cause conflict. But at least if you do the latter, you can pretend you’ve taken some higher moral ground.

Movie Version: Make sure that your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a spare kidney and is an organ donor match for your ex-spouse. Also, be sure your ex-spouse has a terminal kidney disease. I think you see where this is going…Ex-spouse is dying, new lover enters, lover offers kidney to ex-spouse, BOOM. Everyone is friends. Everyone wins, but especially you.

2. If you’re still “friends”…

Real Life: First of all, why are you still friends with your ex? If you’re one of those people who goes to the occasional lunch with their ex and says things like “I don’t understand why we WOULDN’T be friends – we were MARRIED after all!” then we have no respect for you and don’t understand you. You don’t need our advice. You’re such good PALS this shouldn’t be any problem at all. Just tell your ex-husband “friend” that you’re getting remarried over a beer, just like you would any old buddy. You crazy kids.

Movie Version: You’re out to lunch with your ex. RIGHT when you are about to say “Guess what? I’m dating someone new” over a couple of watercress sandwiches your ex SIMULTANEOUSLY says ” I’m still in love with you.” Uh oh. Guess you shouldn’t have tried to be friends after all! Dummy.

3. If you’re still “seeing each other” for some ungodly reason…

Real Life: Stop that.

Movie Version: STOP IT.

4. If you’re totally through except for the occasional email about insurance or bills…

Real Life: THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE NEW.

Movie Version: In the movie version, you are Reese Witherspoon and you occasionally email your handsome ex-husband, Matthew McConaughey. One day you sit pensively at your computer before composing an e-mail telling handsome-ex that you are now dating someone very handsome but slightly less likeable, like, Christian Bale. Upon receiving this email, handsome-ex sets off on a trip across America where he reflects a lot on the mistakes he made with you and, more importantly, learns to love himself. All the while, Christian Bale proves himself to be even less likeable than we originally thought. He probably yells at a waitress or something and you have doubts about whether he’s the man for you. Months later, you run into handsome-Matthew-ex–randomly– at a small Parisian cafe. He just so happens to have your favorite kind of flowers (orchids) which he presents to you as he makes a speech about his undying love for you, loud enough for everyone to hear. You smile and throw your hand up to your tiny, yet strangely pointed Reese Witherspoon-y chin. You tell Christian Bale to go be Batman somewhere else, and you jump into Matthew McConaughey’s arms and tell him you’ve always loved him, and then whisper in his ear that you’d really appreciate it if he would work on getting back into “Magic Mike” shape.

5. If you have deleted their number and blocked them from Facebook…

Real Life: We aren’t aware of any methods of communication that don’t involve Facebook or cell phones. We don’t know, maybe write your ex a letter? Do people still do that? Take out an ad in the newspaper? Rent billboard space? This could get expensive, so be sure to win the lottery first.

Movie version: This situation is too boring to ever be a sub-plot to a movie. Sorry that you’re so boring.

rotary-phone

If you’re one of those people who is too “cool” to communicate with Facebook or email or cellphones, just use one of these. Whatever it is.

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