If you read our last blog, you saw our take on Single Dad Laughing aka Dan Pearce’s “16 Ways I Blew My Marriage.” And you know that we agree with him on at least one point, and that is that you should close the door while having a bowel movement. THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET! Right??
We got a lot of comments and emails from readers who agreed with our message – that is that none of Dan’s 20/20 hindsight is going to save a marriage that just wasn’t right in the first place. And to be perfectly honest, we feel like it’s kind of cruel to make people think that if your marriage fails, it’s somehow due to a lack of TRYING. Of course, it can be. But that’s not always the case.
Anyhow, those of you who poked around Single Dad Laughing noticed that he wrote a brilliant followup to his 16 Ways. It’s called “THE OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage.” (*Sidebar to Dan: Shouldn’t it be the other 16 ways? The url says “the other 16” but the title says “the other 15.” Did you start writing and then realize that there were only exactly 31 ways in which you blew your marriage(s)? Did one of the ways get lost? Have you been censored? What if that 32nd way is the most important way of them all??? Tell us what number 32 is, Dan! Is it “Don’t call her a bitch while you’re slapping her about the face?” WE NEED TO KNOW.)
So, since we wrote a thoughtful response to the first 16 Ways, we’re going to address the next FIFTEEN ways with a different approach: sassy retorts and lots of ’em.
The OTHER 15 Ways Single Dad Laughing Blew His Marriage:
DAN TIP # 17: “Don’t stop bringing her flowers.”
We say: Better yet, don’t start bringing her flowers. They just die. Like your love.
DAN TIP #18: “Don’t work so much that you don’t want sex.”
We say: First of all, you were right to think this may be too much information. It is too much information. Second, if you are a man, there is no such thing as being too tired for sex. Unless your wife is gross.
DAN TIP #19: “Don’t put her down to others.”
We say: The brilliance of this advice is that it is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.
DAN TIP #20: “Don’t be passive aggressive with her.”
We say: If you can’t be passive aggressive with your spouse, then we ask you: WITH WHOM CAN YOU BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE??
DAN TIP #21: “Don’t find reasons to ditch her.”
We say: If you are really finding reasons to ditch your wife, you don’t want to be married to her. It’s simple. We know a man who was married and used to go out every night because he just didn’t want to see his wife. Wouldn’t the better advice be “Don’t marry someone who you want to ditch”?
DAN TIP #22: “Don’t touch her only when you want sex.”
We say: Oh, Dan. We can just imagine your former life. Your wife tries to give you a plate of food and you pull your hand away so your fingers don’t accidentally touch, because what’s the point? Unless you can stick it in her.
DAN TIP #23: “Don’t stop taking her on nice dates.”
We say: We agree with this one. Especially because you note the “bonus” of “everyone on her Instagram and Facebook thinking you’re the damned coolest hubby on the planet.” Looking cool on Facebook is the foundation of any good marriage.
DAN TIP #24: “Don’t give her guilt for needing to get away from you.”
We say: We don’t know about this one, Dan. Now it seems like SHE is finding reasons to ditch YOU. In which case, you might want to refer her to your blog, #21.
DAN TIP #25: “Don’t drown her with your sarcasm.”
We say: No. Instead, waterboard the internet with your fake sincerity.
DAN TIP #26: “Don’t make her do the gross and scary things.”
We say: YES. Treat her like a child. Women love that.
DAN TIP #27: “Don’t think you’re smarter than she is.”
We say: You’re not. Don’t worry.
DAN TIP #28: “Move away from your family. And hers.”
We say: Absolutely. We tell you, there is NOTHING, NOTHING more important to keeping a marriage alive than completely isolating yourselves from your support system.
DAN TIP #29: “Don’t be a talk-hog.”
We say: Also, refrain from saying things like “talk-hog.”
DAN TIP #30: “Don’t demand that she tell you what she’s thinking.”
We say: Right. Just assume that you know what she’s thinking. It’s probably about her nails or shopping.
DAN TIP #31: “Don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles.”
We say: No, don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles. Except the one where all girls are afraid of scary gross bugs.