Monthly Archives: November 2012

Asking Santa For a Divorce

The holidays are a stressful time.  They’re even more stressful if you’re trapped in a miserable marriage.  But if you’re into delaying the inevitable, as most of us are, you’re probably thinking that you’ll just wait until “after the holidays” to make any decisions.  And we understand that logic.  Mainly, because it demonstrates a lack of real logical thinking.  Because, if you think about it, there are always more holidays.  Sure, Christmas might be over, but then it’s New Years.  And then what about Valentine’s Day?  And, as you know, no one wants to get divorced when Flag Day is right around the corner.

But there are some practical aspects in deciding when the “right time” is.

Some things to consider:

1. Kids.  Do you have them?  Are you determined to give them one last magical happy family Christmas?  Okay. Fair enough. We know you’re not a monster.  Wait until January when everyone’s depressed anyway.

2. Future kids.  Do you happen to be a pregnant woman?  Are you insane?  You might be.  You may as well wait until the baby is outside of you.  If for no other reason, you’ll want to be able to drink safely when this all goes down.

3. Travel.  Are you flying somewhere for the holidays?  If so, is it with your spouse?  If so, are your plane tickets refundable?  Or can you at least make changes to your tickets for a nominal fee?

4. Gifts.  Have you already bought your spouse a gift?  Is it something you can return? If not, is it something you might like to keep for yourself?  Or, have you finally run out of ideas for gifts to give him/her and you figure that ending your marriage is your only option? On the flip-side, do you know what your spouse is getting you?  Maybe you accidentally went through their email and accidentally saw an order confirmation from Amazon?  Is this a gift you would still like to receive?  Think about it.

5.  In-laws.  Do you like them?  Would you maybe like one last chance to see them and say a goodbye (without telling them that you’re saying goodbye)? Or, do you hate them?  Do you hate them enough that the idea of NOT having to see them is reason enough to ask for a divorce?

6. Laziness.  Are you lazy?  Are you a big procrastinator, especially for unpleasant things like going to the DMV or paying medical bills?  If so, let’s face it – you’re definitely going to wait until after this holiday season.  You might even wait for several more holiday seasons to pass.

7. Miscellaneous. Does your husband normally dress up as Santa at your family’s Christmas party? Can you find a replacement on short notice?  Does your wife do all your gift wrapping? Do you have any idea how to wrap a gift? Do you always end up with an inch of box that is completely uncovered by paper?

So there you have it.  We can’t tell you what to do or when to do it.  But we’ve given you a lot to think about.  Just remember this: the time is never really right and no one cares how a gift is wrapped – it’s the inside that counts.

Nailed it.

 

 

 

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SINGLE DAD LAUGHING

If you read our last blog, you saw our take on Single Dad Laughing aka Dan Pearce’s “16 Ways I Blew My Marriage.”  And you know that we agree with him on at least one point, and that is that you should close the door while having a bowel movement.  THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET! Right??

We got a lot of comments and emails from readers who agreed with our message  – that is that none of Dan’s 20/20 hindsight is going to save a marriage that just wasn’t right in the first place.  And to be perfectly honest, we feel like it’s kind of cruel to make people think that if your marriage fails, it’s somehow due to a lack of TRYING.  Of course, it can be.  But that’s not always the case.

Anyhow, those of you who poked around Single Dad Laughing noticed that he wrote a brilliant followup to his 16 Ways.  It’s called “THE OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage.” (*Sidebar to Dan: Shouldn’t it be the other 16 ways?  The url says “the other 16″ but the title says “the other 15.” Did you start writing and then realize that there were only exactly 31 ways in which you blew your marriage(s)?  Did one of the ways get lost?  Have you been censored?  What if that 32nd way is the most important way of them all??? Tell us what number 32 is, Dan! Is it “Don’t call her a bitch while you’re slapping her about the face?”  WE NEED TO KNOW.)

So, since we wrote a thoughtful response to the first 16 Ways, we’re going to address the next FIFTEEN ways with a different approach: sassy retorts and lots of ‘em.

dumb marriage advice

Jessica agrees but she was too busy for sign-making.

The OTHER 15 Ways Single Dad Laughing Blew His Marriage:

DAN TIP # 17: “Don’t stop bringing her flowers.”

We say: Better yet, don’t start bringing her flowers.  They just die. Like your love.

DAN TIP #18: “Don’t work so much that you don’t want sex.”

We say:  First of all, you were right to think this may be too much information.  It is too much information.  Second, if you are a man, there is no such thing as being too tired for sex. Unless your wife is gross.

DAN TIP #19: “Don’t put her down to others.”

We say:  The brilliance of this advice is that it is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.

DAN TIP #20: “Don’t be passive aggressive with her.”

We say: If you can’t be passive aggressive with your spouse, then we ask you: WITH WHOM CAN YOU BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE??

DAN TIP #21: “Don’t find reasons to ditch her.”

We say: If you are really finding reasons to ditch your wife, you don’t want to be married to her. It’s simple.  We know a man who was married and used to go out every night because he just didn’t want to see his wife.  Wouldn’t the better advice be “Don’t marry someone who you want to ditch”?

DAN TIP #22: “Don’t touch her only when you want sex.”

We say: Oh, Dan. We can just imagine your former life.  Your wife tries to give you a plate of food and you pull your hand away so your fingers don’t accidentally touch, because what’s the point? Unless you can stick it in her.

DAN TIP #23: “Don’t stop taking her on nice dates.”

We say: We agree with this one.  Especially because you note the “bonus” of  “everyone on her Instagram and Facebook thinking you’re the damned coolest hubby on the planet.”  Looking cool on Facebook is the foundation of any good marriage.

DAN TIP #24: “Don’t give her guilt for needing to get away from you.”

We say:  We don’t know about this one, Dan.  Now it seems like SHE is finding reasons to ditch YOU.  In which case, you might want to refer her to your blog, #21.

DAN TIP #25: “Don’t drown her with your sarcasm.”

We say: No. Instead, waterboard the internet with your fake sincerity.

DAN TIP #26: “Don’t make her do the gross and scary things.”

We say: YES. Treat her like a child. Women love that.

DAN TIP #27: “Don’t think you’re smarter than she is.”

We say: You’re not. Don’t worry.

DAN TIP #28: “Move away from your family. And hers.”

We say: Absolutely.  We tell you, there is NOTHING, NOTHING more important to keeping a marriage alive than completely isolating yourselves from your support system.

DAN TIP #29: “Don’t be a talk-hog.”

We say: Also, refrain from saying things like “talk-hog.”

DAN TIP #30: “Don’t demand that she tell you what she’s thinking.”

We say: Right. Just assume that you know what she’s thinking.  It’s probably about her nails or shopping.

DAN TIP #31: “Don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles.”

We say: No, don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles. Except the one where all girls are afraid of scary gross bugs.

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16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever

single dad laughing 16 ways

Dan Pearce, aka Single Dad Laughing, aka some divorced guy with a marker.

You may have seen this popular blog post from Single Dad Laughing called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage.  And it’s fine marriage advice from the twice-divorced Dan Pearce.  In the post, he writes honestly about his own faults and things he should have done differently.  His advice covers a lot of ground from “Don’t stop holding her hand” and “Don’t call names” to “Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.”  Now, we can get on board with Dan’s advice; we absolutely agree that no one should ever, EVER make it a habit to poop with the door open.   We do not support public pooping.  You can quote us on that.

But all the good marriage advice in the world does not guarantee a lasting marriage.  You can follow all the rules and take all of Dan’s advice, and still blow it. People seem to often forget, that the most important factor in a successful marriage, possibly more important than shutting the door when you defecate, is the decision you make about WHO you’re marrying.   If you make a bad decision, the advice is useless.  Like this:

16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever:

1. Be amazing.

2. Laugh at least 100 times a day.

3. Don’t only have cake on birthdays.

4. Be rich.

5. Have a perfect face.

6. Don’t be mean.

7. Make out passionately for 3 hours a day.

8. Don’t fight.

9. DO NOT stab each other.

10. Always be on vacation.

11. Never grow old.

12. Don’t blog about what you would do if you could just get another chance with your last wife.

13. Be the best at lovemaking.

14. Do not pee on the floor.

15. Do not pee in the sink.

16. Pretend like you’re not intellectually superior, even though you are.

Now, seriously. Some of this advice is good.  And some of it isn’t bad.  And some of it is just impossible.  (Like, you can’t NEVER pee on the floor.)  But even if it were possible to be attractive and amazing and always nice and always romantic, it JUST WOULDN’T MATTER if you married the wrong person.

marriage advice

A sign that your marriage is about to be blown.

We don’t know anything about Dan Pearce’s ex-wives.  Well, we know that they both married a man who was comfortable pooping with the bathroom door open, so that’s something.  But other than that, we don’t know anything.  We don’t know if they were suited for marriage with him.  We don’t know if they were really in love.  We don’t know what happened.  But we do know what happened in our own lives.  We (Jessica and Jeanne) actually know a lot of stuff.  And, collectively, we have also been divorced twice.  So, with our powers combined, we are definitely just as wise as Dan Pearce.  And one of the things we know is that we blew it before we ever walked down the aisle.  We made the wrong decision about who to marry.  And all the flowers and kisses and compliments in the world would not have un-blown our marriages.

marriage advice

Jeanne blew it.

So everyone, let’s just agree that marriage is work.  MARRIAGE IS WORK.  Okay?  We know. We agree.  But sometimes, people make bad decisions.  And all that work is not going to change that.  Holding hands more often is not going to change that.  If you married the wrong person, really, nothing is going to change that.   But shut the bathroom door, either way.  That’s just common sense.

really good marriage advice

Dan Pearce, saver of marriages.

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FAQs (Brought to us by you)

As you well know, we love perusing the search terms that bring people to our site.  It’s especially rewarding to know that someone looking for “rocks that look like things” found Everyone Gets Divorced.  But today, we want to answer some questions that keep popping up.

By far, one of the most frequently asked/googled questions is: When do you tell someone you’re divorced?

Q: When do you tell someone you’re divorced?

A: It really depends on who this someone is.  If it’s your ex-husband or ex-wife, you might need to remind them of it from time to time.  Like if they come to your house after a long day at work and sit down on your couch and ask what you want to do for dinner.  That’s a good time to tell them that you’re divorced.

But you’re more likely wondering about the right time to tell someone new. Someone you’re dating.  Or someone you’d like to be dating.  The answer to this question is more complicated but it’s really not THAT complicated.  Tell them soon.  You don’t have to tell them on the first date, but, if it comes up, it comes up.  Don’t act like it’s a big dark secret.  It’s not like you’re telling them that you’re a Scientologist. It’s not like you have to really win them over before you can reveal this terrible truth about yourself. Just mention it in that early ‘getting to know you’ stage.  If this person is actually going to have a big problem with it, they’re still going to have a problem with it 4 months from now, too.  And if you’re dating someone with an extreme moral opposition to divorce, that seems like a problem for you.  If you’ve been divorced.  And it sounds like you have. And it sounds like they’re a weirdo freak who has never been divorced.

Q: Can you get married if you haven’t been divorced because your ex says no to the divorce?

A: No.  You cannot get married if you are already married.  Bummer, right?

Q: Is it gross to eat peanut butter with a spoon?

A: What?! No! How else are you going to eat it?  With a fork?

divorce humor

A perfectly acceptable instrument for eating peanut butter, assuming you have no available fingers.

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