Monthly Archives: October 2012

Halloween Costume Tips

Well, it’s Halloween, the second best holiday after Flag Day.  We know that you might be tempted to re-purpose your old wedding gown into a costume.  And sure, you could  fashion it into a very nice zombie bride (or “ex-wife”) costume.  And we understand that temptation.  Because it was probably very expensive and you feel like you should get to wear it again.  And you probably think you’re very clever.

But, you might want to consider…not doing that.  Halloween is a great time to meet people.  New people.  And while we’re sure it’s a very nice dress and a good conversation starter, if you go to a party and your costume results in you discussing your failed marriage, it is also a good conversation ender.

britney spears divorced

Pre-divorce Britney is more fun.

So instead of being that person, try one of these, and really COMMIT to the costume.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS THAT WILL NOT LEAD TO DISCUSSING YOUR FAILED MARRIAGE:
  • A nurse who is not bitter.
  • A sexy cat who does not have a court date next Monday.
  • A batman who is not paying child support.
  • A zombie who does not drink alone.
  • A flapper who did not waste the best years of her life.
  • A taco who did not get totally screwed by the lawyer.
  • A bumblebee.
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Making Friends Post-Divorce

When you find yourself single again, part of the crippling loneliness you’ll experience is due to the fact that you have no friends. And even if you do have friends, you’re probably going to need more friends because you’re depressing and needy and you’re going to wear those friends out pretty quickly.

People always say things like “‘I’m so lucky because I married my best friend,” as though it’s a GOOD thing.  But here’s a tip for next time around – avoid marrying your best friend at all costs.  It’s much better to have a best friend who is incapable of divorcing you.  When you’re going through a painful breakup, you’re going to want a best friend that can come over for dinner, and go to the movies, and listen to you cry, and bring you Sour Cream & Onion Pop Chips.  And in all honesty, you might not have a best friend like that, because you were too busy being best friends with that person you married. You probably have a couple pretty good friends and some acquaintances, but it’s not enough.   And no one is bringing you Pop Chips.

Now, unfortunately, you may have to be in charge of getting your own Pop Chips.  And after you do that,  it’s time to stop feeling sorry for your sad, sad self.  You just have to get out there, and start making friends.  IT IS HARD.  Because you are an adult.  And making friends as an adult is HARD.   So here are some tips.

How To Make Friends, As An Adult:

  • Sign up for an improv comedy class – You will either make a couple of friends or, if nothing else, learn that you do not know how to pantomime mopping a floor.  And that’s a valuable self realization.
  • Just go to law school – You probably don’t want to be a lawyer, but did you know that 90 percent of students enrolled in law school are only there because they don’t know how to make friends in a non-academic setting?
  • Learn to play tennis – If you can play tennis, there are always weirdos on Craiglist who are looking for random tennis partners.  If you already know how to play tennis, you sound very cool and probably have lots of friends already.
  • Start taking one of those silly fitness classes – Like the one where you dance around and hump the air a lot.  Zumba?  I don’t know. I’ve never done it, but all I’m saying is I’ve seen those classes and I’m pretty sure that most of those people have no friends.  So they’re in the same boat as you.

So to answer your question, “How do you make friends once you’re an adult and you’re not in school?”  You don’t.  You can only make friends if you are being instructed to do something.  So get out there.  Be taught.  And make some friends who you do NOT end up marrying. For the love of God.

everyone gets divorced

Part of the healing process.

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Romantic Ways to Propose

We know what you’re thinking. “Romantic ways to propose?  But isn’t this a hilarious blog about divorce?”  It is, fair reader, it is.  And today, we were going to write about “Unromantic Ways to Propose Divorce.”  You know, like, instead of covering the bed in rose petals, you sprinkle burnt toast crumbs all over the sheets, and then, when your spouse complains about the bed full of crumbs, you say, “If you don’t like it, get out.  Also, I never loved you.  Let’s make it official!”
But, while doing research, we got distracted by this article on The Knot.  It’s  “50 Romantic Ways to Propose.”  So instead, we chose 5 of our favorite proposals for the criminally insane, and we’re going to share those with you today.  Because if you think about it, the first step to getting divorced is getting engaged.

divorce humor

If for some reason, your gal does not have an “everyday ring” that she keeps in a jewelry box, you should try and get her to start wearing an everyday ring. Take her everyday ring shopping. She will, of course, think you’re going to propose, and be horribly disappointed when you buy her a cheap “everyday” ring. Ironic, because you ARE going to propose, but not YET. Not until you can be sure that she’s not expecting you to pull the ol’ ring switcheroo in her jewelry box. But now, she starts thinking, well sure, I’ve got this nice everyday ring, but I’m 32 and I’m ready to start the next phase of this relationship. And people keep asking, “When are you going to get married?” And she keeps telling them, “I DON’T KNOW. AT THIS RATE, MAYBE NEVER.” And she starts being real moody. I mean, she’s acting like kind of a bitch, really. I’m sorry. I mean, you love her, but that’s the truth. And then you decide that maybe this isn’t the kind of woman you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. And that’s how the everyday ring switcheroo proposal can sometimes go awry.

divorce humor

Now, if the divers say, “Proposal show? Is that a thing?” or “We don’t really do that.  This is an aquarium, not a baseball stadium.”  Then you should probably scrap the whole engagement thing, because, really.  You’re a grown man and you can’t even come up with a feasible public proposal.

divorce humorNOTE: This plan requires extensive training in the art of pumpkin carving as well as a larger than average pumpkin.

terrible proposal ideas

NAILED IT.

everyone gets divorced

As you walk to the park on this warm, breezy afternoon, you’re going to want to conceal the underside of the kite, because you don’t want your lady to see the message until the time is right.  You’re going to be acting pretty weird, because it’s awkward and you’re nervous that you’re going to ruin the surprise.  She’s going to be suspicious.  She’ll probably accuse you of hiding something.  And you ARE cheating on her, after all, but does it really count as cheating if it’s more of an emotional affair?  That’s a discussion for another less breezy day, though.  When you finally launch the kite, she will be unable to read the message.divorce humorReally? The hooker movie?

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EGD Consoles You

I think we’ll all remember where we were when we heard the news.  The news that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce. I, Jeanne, was at my computer. Jessica also was at her computer.

We know it’s probably been a rough week for all of you. Sure, we know that everyone gets divorced. But not DeVito and Perlman! They’ve been married for so long! They’re so small! They’re so strange-looking!  It’s impossible!

(*Fun fact: We originally wanted to buy the domain http://www.everyonegetsdivorcedexceptdannydevitoandrheaperlman.com.)

But, alas.  It happened.  (And we really dodged a bullet with the whole domain name.)  But this isn’t about us.  It’s about you. We know you’re hurting.  And we’re here to console you.  We’re here to console you about the life-altering separation of two tiny celebrities who you do not know.

  • It is NOT your fault.  Because you do not know Danny DeVito OR Rhea Perlman.  And they do not know you.
  • Just because Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce does NOT mean that they do not love you.  However, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman do not love you and they never have.  Because they don’t know you.
  • Your life is not going to change drastically as a result of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman’s divorce.  You will not have to move to a new house or go to a new school.  You can keep your beloved dog/cat too. This is because your life is, and always will be, entirely unaffected by the lives of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
  • You might feel better if you understood why this is happening.  Unfortunately for you, it is unlikely that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman will ever fully explain it to you, because they don’t know or care who you are.
celebrity divorce humor

If they couldn’t make it, what hope do the rest of us normal-looking, average-sized people have?

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Behind the Scenes at EGD

Here at EGD we make it a rule not to work on holidays. We also make it a rule not to work on random weekdays, almost every weekend, and for our birthday months. As our American fans know, today is Columbus Day. Some of you might have the day off from work. We do too! (confession: we’re both unemployed.)

But this Columbus Day, we’re breaking all of our non-working rules. Columbus Day rules were made to be broken. Not at all like Flag Day. Flag Day rules are important.

Because it’s a holiday, I’m going to give you a little inside look at how Everyone Gets Divorced operates. I (Jessica) wake up in the morning and drink a Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. Why? Because I love caffeine and hate being fat. Then I talk to Jeanne on g-chat (we’re too technologically advanced for “telephones”)  and we say to each other  “Hey, should we do a blog today?” Usually we conclude that we should watch TV and eat snacks instead. But sometimes we feel guilty about only watching TV all of the time, or we feel too fat for snacks, so we do a blog anyway. Lately we’ve been extremely bad at blogging because SOME PEOPLE (Jeanne) decided to go on a sexy European vacation with her tall and handsome boyfriend. But today I felt we needed to blog. And yet, what to say on this special day? I decided to give you a peek inside at the inner workings of EGD. Here is our actual conversation, expertly copied and pasted, discussing today’s blog:

Jessica: we’re probably going to have to blog again one day.
But I can’t bring myself to think about it.
Jeanne:  i know
i can’t do it now….and it’s a holiday
Jessica:  let’s just post a picture of christopher columbus and call it a day.

Jeanne:  hahahaha
i like that
just caption it
“he’s divorced”
fun fact: christopher columbus was divorced 12 times by the time he discovered america
Jessica: Is that true? He was?
Jeanne: No.
Jessica:  hahha
I’ll blog  something
but if it takes more than 3 minutes, i’m quitting.
my small lady brain can’t handle more than 3 minutes of thinking.
 Jeanne:  ok
i’m proud of you…  i just checked
columbus was married
and  then his wife died
Jessica:  GOOD. I’m GLAD she died. I don’t care who knows it.
Jeanne:  and then he had a “mistress”
Jessica:  can you have a mistress after your wife dies?
Jeanne:  i don’t know
that’s what wikipedia calls it for some reason
probably because she’s spanish
Jeanne: interesting…
some people say his wife died
and others say he just left her
Jessica:  hm…
 Jeanne:  in that case
maybe he WAS divorced 12 times
and no one really knows
Jeanne: Also, i think it’s about time we edit wikipedia
…to make everyone divorced
Jessica:  OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s!
Jessica:  ok i’m writing a blog
and it’s my favorite one ever so far
Jeanne:  i’m so proud
so proud of you
i’ll be right back again. I need to get snacks.
Jessica:  ok
this blog
is very unconventional
it involves copying and pasting.
You’ll see.
divorce humor

Christopher Columbus was divorced 12 times.

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Finding “the one”

Here at EGD we talk a lot about divorce. Mostly because we paid real money for a web address with the word “divorced” in it. But what we don’t talk about often enough is finding the perfect man or woman for a potential  successful marriage (be it your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th attempt at such a thing). A marriage that might actually not end in divorce. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: BUT EVERYONE GETS DIVORCED. That’s true in almost every situation. But there are some freaks out there. For example, both of us have sets of parents that are still married and have been basically forever. We’re pretty sure they’re lying to us because we did some math and their claims seem scientifically impossible. We’re also both nearly convinced that we’re adopted because we are so much more attractive than our brothers, but that’s a story for another website we might buy one day.

We wanted to put together a simple list for you, our fans, that would help you know if your new boyfriend or girlfriend is..”THE ONE”  (well…”the one” after the last “one”).

Here’s what it boils down to:

1) If you need to Google whether or not you should marry someone, don’t marry them. If you have to use a Magic Eight ball, that’s fine. That’s a completely different thing.

2) Marry almost ANY person who learned to play golf, polo, or who dabbled in fencing when they were still a child. This person is rich.

3) Do not marry a person who uses the word “dabbled”. This person is smug and thinks they’re better than you.

4) If ,when looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend, you begin to feel that the babies you might one day create together will be too ugly for you to love unconditionally… the two of you shouldn’t get married.

5) And under NO circumstances should you ever agree to marry a person who– if offered three wishes– would not use one of those wishes to gain the power of flight.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a person like that.

funny divorce blog

Always marry a doctor. You shouldn’t even have to ask.

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