Monthly Archives: September 2012

FAQ’s

You may have noticed that the blog has been a little inactive recently. We have a perfectly good explanation: we are lazy people. Actually, half of us are lazy, and half of us are on a sexy European vacation with her tall and handsome boyfriend (that is a true story). But we feel like we’ve procrastinated long enough and we need to give the people what they want (more of us). So this morning we bring you some frequently asked questions. These are REAL LIVE QUESTIONS that we discovered on the internet.  Some stupid dummy answered the questions already, but we deleted their moronic dummy answers and replaced them with our far superior ones.

 How long does the divorce process usually take?

This is a simple math question. Subtract the year you started dating your ex from the year you signed the divorce papers. For example, I got divorced in 2009 but started dating my ex husband in 2002. Therefore, my divorce process took seven years. You can expedite the divorce process by completely foregoing “dating” and just marry the first stupid bastard you meet immediately.

What will the divorce cost?

This also depends. Will you hire an attorney? Are you going to get expensive plastic surgery before you file for divorce to ensure a successful post divorce dating life? How many of your belongings do you intend to throw at your soon to be ex in the middle of an argument? Are those things expensive and/or easily breakable?

Suggestions to make your divorce more affordable: Win the lottery.

Is there an alternative to going to trial?

1) Reach a mutually agreeable divorce settlement

2) Murder

Is what I tell my attorney confidential?

It’s supposed to be, but you know that he’s probably going to laugh about all of the dumb stuff you say with his wife and his girlfriend.

May I bring someone with me to meetings with my attorney?

Yes, preferably someone who will pay him.

Will spousal support be ordered?

Only if you were married to a celebrity.

How much child support will be ordered?

That COMPLETELY depends.

If you are the person ordered to PAY child support:  The amount of child support ordered will be more than is fair and you will just KNOW that your dumb ex-wife is using it on herself and not the kids.

If you are the person RECEIVING child support:  The amount of child support will not be even nearly enough, and that lazy bastard of an ex husband rarely pays you, anyway.

Do I have to keep my husband’s name after the divorce?

Only if you want to look like a total pathetic loser.

How should I file my tax return?

Crap, we don’t know. Turbo Tax? Is that a thing?

Who will get custody of my children?

….you really want it?

divorce humor

If you don’t feel like winning the lottery, another great way to pay for your divorce is to win 18,000 dollars on a slot machine.

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Word of the Day: DEAD

DEAD

adjective

1. a word that describes what happened to your spouse when you’re too lazy to explain your divorce/separation

Usage:

  1. “Where’s your husband?”
    “Oh, he’s dead.”
  2. “Where’s your wife?”
    “Well, she couldn’t make it, because she’s dead.”
  3. “Are you interested in taking a couples’ cruise in January?”
    “I think we might both be dead by then, but thanks.”

 

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Being Embarrassed

A lot of people are embarrassed to admit that they’ve been divorced.  But the fact of the matter is it’s really not interesting enough to be embarrassing.  People get divorced all the time.  By our math, 100 percent of all people will get divorced at least four times in their lifetime.  So what’s the big deal? Life is full of far greater embarrassments than “failing at marriage.”  BORING.

To prove this point, here’s a list of really embarrassing things that may or may not have happened to us.

THINGS THAT ARE MORE  EMBARRASSING THAN GETTING DIVORCED:

1. Failing fourth grade math.

2. Finding out, after the fact, that you’ve had spinach in your teeth for the WHOLE MEAL.

3. Going to the doctor to give a urine sample and then spilling your urine sample on someone from your high school.

4. Going to a concert, and then, even though you’ve already had dinner and a post-dinner “tater tot course,” excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, but instead of going to the bathroom, buying a slice of pepperoni pizza which you eat in secret.

5. Going to the dentist to get X-rays, and then as the dentist is putting the X-ray thingy in the far-back part of your mouth, vomiting all over said dentist’s hand and arm.

6. Marrying that guy with that stupid hair.

divorce jokes

You should be ashamed of yourself.

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Stop Procrastinating

Procrastinating is fine, for little things.  Like filing your taxes or going to the post office or buying a new electric toothbrush head.  But if you’re thinking about getting divorced/leaving your significant other, there’s no time like the present.   And we know.  WE KNOW.  You can’t do it NOW.  NOW ISN’T A GOOD TIME.  Well, that’s probably true.  And you’re always going to find excuses to stay with someone.

EXCUSES FOR STAYING TOGETHER:

1. You’re going to prom in 3 weeks.

2. You have a vacation planned in 2 months.

3. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

4. Now Christmas is right around the corner.

5. You have plans for New Year’s.

6. Now Valentine’s Day is coming up and that seems sad.

See? It’s mostly holidays that are forcing us to be miserable. But there’s always going to be something coming up.  And these are just the things you KNOW about.  Unfortunately, in life, there are a lot of unpleasant surprises too.  And if you’re unhappy in your relationship, chances are, that’s not going to change.  But here are some things that CAN change.  Because the thing is, there’s never a good time to leave someone.  But there can always be a WORSE time to leave someone.

WORSE TIMES TO LEAVE SOMEONE:

1. After they get a speeding ticket.

2. After they lose their job.

3. After their cat dies.

4. After their father dies.

5. After they contract rabies.

So what are you supposed to do?  Well, you can hope they drive carefully and take really good care of that cat and pray a lot and keep them away from suspicious raccoons.  Or you can just bite the bullet and do what you probably need to do.  Because once your boyfriend loses his job or your girlfriend’s cat dies or your husband’s parent becomes ill, you are STUCK, for an undetermined amount of time proportionate to whatever the tragedy is.  And we know you’re not a terrible person. (Probably.) We know that you would feel bad for the normal reasons if any of these things were to happen.  But on top of that, you’re not going to be able to leave for a while.
So stop procrastinating.

best time to get divorced

If you can just hang in there through the holidays, Mr. Boots…

Note to People Who Suspect Their Spouse Is UnhappyIf you think your spouse or significant other  is close to leaving you, you can use this to your advantage.  It’s manipulative, but it will delay the inevitable. 

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO DELAY THE INEVITABLE:

1. Speed all the time.

2. Under-perform at your job.

3. Kill your cat.

4. Encourage every member of your family to “take up smoking.”

5. Hang out with suspicious raccoons.

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The Worst State

We’ve already told you about the best state for getting divorced.  So, New Hampshire is over there, practically BEGGING you to end your marriage.  But what about the flip side?  What’s the worst state for getting a divorce?

divorce humor

Vermont. FIGURES.

That’s right. Don’t listen to Ben and/or Jerry. Vermont is a horrible place that wants you to be miserable.  The minimum processing time for a divorce in Vermont is 450 days.  450 days?!!! By our math, that’s even more than a year. (Don’t hold us to our math.)  And they have a bunch of other annoying things like mandatory separation and waiting periods before the divorce can be FINAL.

Which brings us to our point. MAPLE SYRUP IS THE WORST.

YES, YES. It’s GOOD on pancakes. SURE.  But god.  Other than that, what’s the point?

REASONS WHY WE HATE MAPLE SYRUP, AND THEREFORE, VERMONT:

1. It’s so STICKY.

2. It’s just too STICKY.

3. Have you ever accidentally put your elbow in maple syrup? That’s the WORST.

4. Your hands get sticky.  And then you’re really no better than a toddler.

5. TOO SWEET.

So, thanks for nothing, VERMONT.  Not only do you make it really hard to get a divorce, but you make our hands sticky.

(By the way, if you’re currently unhappily married in Vermont, you might want to consider telling your spouse that you’d be interested in making a move to New Hampshire. We hear it’s nice.)

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Best State For Getting Divorced, Best State Overall

The U.S. is a strange place in which to live. We’re really kind of obsessed with ranking our states. For everything. Which state is the fattest? Which state is the fittest? Which state eats the most Spam?

But you can be fat or fit or spam-eating in any state. However, if you want to get a divorce, location matters. So where’s the best place to get un-hitched? Well, according to Bloomberg Rankings, it’s New Hampshire.

Depending on where you live and (where you’ve gotten divorced) you might not even realize what a colossal pain in the gizzard filing for divorce can be. Many states have annoyingly long waiting periods and high filing fees. Not New Hampshire. For a couple hundred bucks and no minimum processing time, you can have yourself a divorce in New Hampshire. Don’t live in New Hampshire but wish you did? No problem. You can pretty much just show up in New Hampshire and file for divorce the next day.

What a state!

So today, we’d like to pay tribute to the magical place that is New Hampshire.

OTHER AWESOME THINGS ABOUT NEW HAMPSHIRE:

1. The state insect of New Hampshire is the ladybug. As far as insects go, that’s pretty good.
2. The inventor of Tupperware is from Berlin, NH. His name is EARL TUPPER.
3. The first European potato in the U.S. was planted in New Hampshire. WE LOVE POTATOES.
4. Our drunkest and handsomest president hails from New Hampshire. That’s right. The dashing, the inebriated, Franklin Pierce.
5. And most importantly, the first government-run state lottery was held in New Hampshire. To lottery!

In short, if you’re thinking about getting divorced, you should probably move to New Hampshire. And if you’re not thinking about getting divorced, you should probably move to New Hampshire.

divorce humor

Party time. New Hampshire style.

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Real Commitments

People act like marriage is such a big commitment.  And sure. IT IS. The government is involved, the church is involved, and, usually, lots of people see it happen.  When you want out, you probably think it’s going to be REALLY HARD to do it. But there are plenty of things you do all the time that are much harder to get out of.

THINGS THAT ARE HARDER TO GET OUT OF THAN A MARRIAGE:

1. Cell phone plans

2. Gym memberships

3. Credit cards with some new and exciting offers

4. Conversations with people holding clipboards on the street

5. Bed Bath & Beyond mailing lists

funny divorce blog

Not even death will part you from these.

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Wife Auditions

You’ve probably heard the rumors that the Church of Scientology held “wife auditions” for Tom Cruise.  The church denies doing any such thing.  But we know for a fact, here at EGD, that it’s true.  We know this because we have the Scientology-approved wife judging criteria.

The Ideal Wife

  • Head: A wife’s skull should be fairly long, with a slight dome at the back part of the head. The skull should be relatively broad and full.There should be a distinct separation between the top and bottom of the face when seen from a profile.
    • The ears should reach almost to the end of the nose if drawn out straight, and they should be rounded at the tips.
    • The eyes (hazel or brown) should be large, set far apart, and have a gentle, pleading expression.
    • The muzzle should have a square shape.
    • Body: There should be no wrinkles in the skin around the neck and throat. The shoulders should slope downward into a relatively short back. The wife’s chest should be deep and broad but proportionate to the rest of the body.
    • Legs: The wife’s front legs should be straight, not crooked. The hips and thighs should be strong and muscular.
    • Tail: The tail needs to be fairly high on the rump and carried in a jaunty fashion, but it should not curve over the back.
    • Coat: The coat should be of a medium-length and lie close to the body. The coat should feel hard to the touch. No silky fur here.
    • Color: The standard is vague here, saying only that any recognized wife color is OK.

      Wife defects

      Among the defects that would cause a judge to disqualify a wife from consideration are the following:

        • A narrow skull
        • A cranium that’s too high
        • Small eyes
        • Protruding eyes
        • Excessively short ears
        • Ears set too high on the head
        • Ears that rise from their point of origin before falling
        • Excessive skin folding at the throat
        • Straight shoulders
        • Excessively deep or shallow chest
        • Swayed or excessively long back
        • Cow hocks

      She’s perfect.

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Recipe: Italian Wedding (Divorce) Soup

Today we bring you a recipe for Italian Divorce Soup.

INGREDIENTS:
1 tablespoon olive oil (optional)
1 cup minced yellow onion (optional)
1 cup diced carrots (optional)
3/4 cup diced celery (optional)
8 cups chicken stock (optional)
1/2 cup dry white wine
1 cup small shell pasta (optional)
2 teaspoons dried basil (optional)
12 ounces baby spinach, washed and trimmed (optional)
16 ounces frozen meatballs (optional)

1. Heat the olive oil over medium heat in a large soup pot. Add onion, celery, and carrots, if you feel like it. Saute until softened, if you want.
2. Next, you can add the chicken stock, basil, and wine. Bring to a boil, or don’t.
3. Now that you’ve opened that wine, pour yourself a glass. You could also add the pasta to the broth, but you don’t have to.
4. As the pasta cooks, enjoy your wine, and your freedom. Enjoy the hell out of it.
4. If you’re still making soup, add the meatballs to the pot and simmer for 5 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add wine to your glass.
5. Stir in the fresh spinach and cook for 1 minute, until the spinach is just wilted. While you’re waiting for the spinach to wilt, feel free to refill that glass of wine.
6. Ladle into a bowl and sprinkle with grated Parmesan. Enjoy with wine.

The secret ingredient is being drunk. (Shhh!))

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