Monthly Archives: August 2012

Myths About Divorcées

There is something horrible and unappealing about the word divorcée.  A divorcée is, of course, a divorced woman.  Is there an equivalent word for a divorced man?  Yes.  Apparently it’s divorcé.  But you never really hear that, do you?  That’s why I had to look it up just now.  Personally, when I hear the word divorcée, it brings to mind an image of some dour, chain-smoking, weepy woman holding a glass of wine, staring out a window.  And THAT image brings to mind someone who writes poetry.  In short, the stereotypical divorcée is the worst person on the planet, because I hate poetry.

But is it true?  Are divorcées so horrible? We’d like to think not.  That’s why we’re going to dispel some unflattering myths about divorcées.

MYTH 1:  Divorcées drink a lot of white wine.

FACT: Divorcées drink a lot of everything.  Most anything you put in front of them, really.

MYTH 2: Divorcées are angry.

FACT: ALL WOMEN are angry.  Have you ever met a woman? Was she angry about something? Exactly.

MYTH 3: Divorcées spend a lot of time smoking and making horrible analogies for relationships.

FACT: Nope. Common misconception.  You’re thinking of Sarah Jessica Parker’s character on Sex in the City.  And you’re right. She is horrible.

MYTH 4: A divorcée’s tail is about half as long as her body.

FACT: Nope.  Common misconception.  You’re thinking of tigers.

divorce blog funny

Not a divorcée. But she is separated.

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Divorce Perk #1: Getting in Shape

You know, when people talk about divorce, they always focus on the negatives.  It’s painful! It’s expensive! It’s stressful!  I lost my house! Well, sure. It can be all of those things.  But what say we look on the bright side?

DIVORCE PERK: You’re going to get in better shape.

You know what’s the worst? Exercise.  It’s horrible.  And anyone who claims to enjoy it should not be trusted.  Every single time I go to the gym, I seriously consider doing 3 things:

1. Sitting in the locker room for 40 minutes instead.

2. Sitting in my car for 40 minutes and plucking my eyebrows instead.

3. Just going to Buffalo Wild Wings for mozzarella cheese sticks instead.

But I DON’T.  (Usually.)  Because getting divorced is the BEST motivation in the world to exercise.  You almost certainly let yourself go sometime in the first 3 months to 15 years of marriage.  Both of you did.  It was probably all the mozzarella cheese sticks you were eating.  But now you have 2 reasons to change that:

1. You’re single again.

2. Revenge.

Now that you’re single again, you might be thinking about possibly dating again, at some point in the future.  But before you do that,  you want to trick the world into thinking you’re attractive again.

But more importantly, you will exercise for revenge.  It doesn’t matter who left who or why.  It doesn’t matter if you ever plan on seeing them again.  It will happen.  And when it does,  you’re going to want your abs to do the talking.  You will want your glutes to say, “Hey, I’m doing fine! Better than ever.”  You will want your triceps to say, “My life without you is very fulfilling.”  You will want your glutes to say, “I’m incredibly happy and I never eat lunch alone at Buffalo Wild Wings.”  Also, exercise improves your mood and it’s good for your heart and whatever. But that’s not why you’re going to get in shape.  You’re going to get in shape mainly for revenge.

Horrible torture machine.

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Splitting Up Mutual Friends

If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you undoubtedly have a lot of mutual friends.  But when “you the couple” ceases to exist, where do your friends go?  Are there rules for who gets who?

Well, not really.  But we made some up.

THE RULES FOR SPLITTING UP FRIENDS:

You can claim a friend if:

  • you work together.
  • you attended high school together.
  • they were the best man or maid of honor in your wedding.
  • you own or owned any “best friends” jewelry or accessories together.
  • they never liked your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend anyhow.

*Note: If you and your ex work together or attended high school together, friends are awarded on the basis of gender.  Ladies take ladies and men take men.

But what about the friends that belong pretty equally to you both?

Well, this is where it gets tricky.  You probably have a lot of friends who you met at the same time and who, for some reason, like both of you.  For these friends, there are a few options:

  • Neither of you gets them.  This option applies mainly to your “couple friends” who only liked you because you were another couple they could have dinners or board gaming nights with.
  • Divide them by gender.  Once again, ladies take the lady friends and men take the men friends.  (This is not a good method for same sex couples.)
  • Give them time.  Your friends probably don’t want to be caught in the middle of this whole thing.  Sometimes you just need to  cut your friends a break and leave them alone for a while.  Refrain from calling them up to cry/whine/complain about your breakup.  (This is a good method for lazy/antisocial people.) And if it turns out that your ex is being pathetic and insufferable, this almost guarantees that those friends will eventually get sick of it and gravitate toward you.
  • Hold a competition. You and your ex stand side-by-side.  Each of you holds a treat and claps, snaps fingers, or calls the friend’s name.  Whoever the friend goes to first gets to claim that friend. (This method works best for dog friends.)
divorce humor blog

It might not feel like it now, but you’ll find someone else to play Bananagrams with.

 

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Word of the Day: Perfect

PERFECT

adjective

  1. Seemingly normal and occasionally happy
  2. Horrible
  3. The way every couple in the history of the world has been described by someone at some point

Usage:

  1. “Mitch and Corey are so perfect for each other.”
  2. “I love how Mitch and Corey have nothing in common – they’re a perfect couple.”
  3. “I don’t know Mitch and Corey, but I once saw a picture of them where they were both sort of smiling.  Seems like the perfect relationship.”

 

 

 

 

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Eye Rolling and Other Bad Signs

Studies have shown that eye rolling is one predictor of divorce.  So if you roll your eyes while your spouse is talking, or vice versa, that’s probably a bad sign for your marriage.

But it’s not just eye rolling you need to be on the lookout for.  Here are some other negative interactions that could point to trouble in your relationship.

THINGS IN ADDITION TO EYE ROLLING THAT YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHILE YOUR SPOUSE IS TALKING:

  • Twirl pointer finger in a circle at temple, i.e., make international ‘cuckoo’ sign
  • Cover your ears and hum/loudly speak gibberish
  • Answer pretend “phone call” and proceed to have a long conversation with what sounds like a lover while really only holding your own hand to your ear
  • Tie an imaginary noose
  • Pantomime vomiting
  • Induce real vomiting by ingesting harmful chemicals
  • “Call” poison control on aforementioned “hand phone”
  • Die, because you can’t really call poison control from your hand

“Hello? No, no, I’m not busy. Just listening to some boring weirdo yammer on about something or other.”

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Formulas for Divorce

Today, we were just sitting here, thinking how lucky we are to be divorced. And how we’re in such good company because Charlize Theron, arguably, the most perfect woman on the planet, is also divorced. She’s beautiful! Flawless! Talented! Smart! But then we realized, that while she is all those things, she is not, TECHNICALLY, divorced. Apparently, she’s so smart, she never actually married her long-time partner. So, we thought, maybe we’re not in SUCH good company.

celebrity divorce

Disgusting.

But surely there are other perfect women who are divorced! But sadly, for us, Natalie Portman is not divorced either. (Yet.)

Fine, we say. They don’t have to be perfect. So we consulted the Maxim Hot 100 list. And you’ll be pleased to know there is no shortage of hot divorced women. We’ve got Olivia Wilde, for one. We then learned that Emmy Rossum is divorced, which came as something of a shock, because we were both under the impression that Emmy Rossum is 12. It turns out she is 25, but married a music executive when she was 21. And tragically, it did not work out. And that got our science brains thinking…

So using our brains and Wikipedia, we have detected some patterns.

We bring you: FORMULAS FOR DIVORCE.

divorce humor

 

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Internet Breakup Lingo

Even the best of us tend to be pretty insufferable when going through a big breakup. You feel like no one in the history of the world has ever felt the pain that you’re feeling and for that reason, you find yourself utterly fascinating. You want to talk about it. You want to text about it. You want to sing about it. (Right, Gotye?) And you want to gchat about it. And that’s fine. For a little while. (After more than a little while, your friends will start avoiding you.) But until then, here’s a helpful guide to talking about your breakup in internet lingo.

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CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE DIVORCED SOUL

Here are some heartwarming stories from divorced individuals that are sure to soothe your soul.

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Getting Remarried: When Is It Time?

Thinking about getting remarried? Sometimes, after a failed marriage, you find it hard to trust your judgement. After divorce, you definitely don’t want to rush into another marriage. But how do you know when the time is right?

We polled 1 million people and this is what we found. Using science.

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