- Drinking to excess
- “I found out my wife was cheating on me, but ever since I started counseling, I’ve been feeling a lot better.”
- “I’m doing counseling 4 days a week now.”
Q: “Why do you say that everyone gets divorced?”
A: Because they do.
Q: “You know what? EVERYONE doesn’t get divorced.”
A: You’re wrong.
Q: “I have a problem with your site. NOT EVERYONE gets divorced.”
A: Yuh huh.
For years after your wedding (and divorce) you’re going to keep finding those books of matches with your names on them. Because leftover wedding matches are like fruit flies. Just when you think you’re rid of them, you find one more. By a banana.
But you don’t have to throw them out. Here are some alternatives to the trash:
Here at EGD, we like to see how you, people of the internet, are finding our website. Many of you find us by googling a phrase or question. We see what you’re googling and we pay special attention to these search terms, because we want to know what’s on your mind. That’s why we’re going to address some of your internet search terms directly. You have questions and you deserve answers.
You searched: “How come everyone gets divorced?“
ANSWER: El Nino.
You searched: “What’s the point of marriage if everyone gets divorced anyway?”
You searched: “Is trapper joe divorced?”
ANSWER: We don’t know who or what that is, but yes.
You searched: “Can a job not hire you because you’re divorced?”
ANSWER: Yes. Absolutely. Or at least, we assume that’s why we’re both unemployable.
You searched: “No one wants to hear about my divorce.”
ANSWER: Correct! You get a gold star, person of the internet!
You searched: “How long did you cry over your divorce?”
ANSWER: It was pretty long but not as long as I cried after I accidentally killed a lightning bug that got stuck in my hair.
You searched: “the dogs of divorce”
ANSWER: Yes, we do sell a dogs of divorce calendar. It will be available for Christmas 2012.
You searched: “How do you react when they say no?”
ANSWER: We don’t know what you’re asking them, but we can still answer with the utmost confidence – hold your breath until you get what you want.
You searched: “Flag.”
ANSWER: Yes, flag.
We found that you enjoy being yelled at, so we’re going to keep it coming in another edition of Tough Love Mondays. Today we’re going to talk some sense into you about facebook and the problems it presents for you, post-breakup.
“I can’t stop checking my ex’s facebook. I just want to know what they’re doing!”
You need to STOP IT. You’re probably one of those people that looks up symptoms on WebMD and then decides you have Multiple Sclerosis or Lyme Disease or whatever. DO NOT be that person. It doesn’t matter what your ex is doing or who they’re doing it with. Use facebook for good instead of evil. Busy yourself by judging your old high school classmates for letting themselves go.
“I get really upset when I see my ex posting new pictures on facebook.”
Quick question: Why are you still facebook friends with your ex? Answer: THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.
“My ex put up a status and I don’t understand what it means.”
You DO NOT NEED TO KNOW what it means.
“I saw that my ex became friends with some new people. I hate to think that my ex is meeting all these new people and probably dating new people too.”
Unfriend your ex. Immediately. You are acting like a crazy person. You may have rabies.
“My ex changed their status to “in a relationship.” I am devastated. It feels like a thousand hot knives in my chest.”
GOOD. You deserve it. For not unfriending them.
“My ex has restricted their profile so I can only see what new “likes” they have. I notice that my ex recently liked George Takei. What do you think that means? Is my ex dating George Takei??!”
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO OWN A COMPUTER.