Monthly Archives: June 2012

Word of the Day

TRIAL MARRIAGE

noun

  1. A marriage that lasted fewer than five years.
  2. A marriage greater than five years,  but that was intended as a warm-up.
Usage:
  1. My dress is ivory this time. I wore white at my trial marriage.
  2. Did you hear? Katie Holmes is ending her trial marriage to Tom Cruise.
  3.  “Have you been married before?” “Well, yes, technically, but  it was really more of  a trial marriage.”
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An Ex By Any Other Name

Do you ever get tired of saying “ex-husband” or “ex-wife?” It’s so boring, isn’t it? Well, we think it is. That’s why we came up with some good alternatives. Use them. Expand your vocabulary. It’s fun and it amuses us.

  • Former mate
  • One-time spouse
  • Temporary companion
  • Short-lived husband
  • Makeshift wife
  • Partial life partner
  • Ex-roommate
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Warning Signs

Signs That You May Be Marrying the Wrong Man:

  • He picked out the bridesmaid dresses for your wedding
  • Does math ‘for fun’
  • Bakes low-fat cookies
  • Everything he says and does annoys you or makes you angry
  • Pees sitting down

Signs That You May Be Marrying the Wrong Woman

  • Kardashian
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How to Win Your Ex Back

1. The main problem with your relationship was probably your lack of maturity.   One of the best ways you can prove that you’re mature is by holding down a job.

2. Even though you were immature, your ex is probably having trouble managing the house all alone.  Especially if they’re taking care of your three children, as well.  Your ex is probably thinking about hiring a housekeeper.  Check your local newspaper to see if your ex has placed an ad.  If they have, you should apply to be the housekeeper.

3. Of course, your ex isn’t going to hire YOU to be the housekeeper.  So you’re going to need to use all your acting talents to create a convincing alter ego. (If you do not have acting talents, work on developing your acting talents.)  You should also enlist the help of your homosexual brother, assuming you have a homosexual brother who is skilled in the fields of makeup artistry and prosthetics.  Your alter ego should be British and of a different gender than yourself.

4. You’ll need a name for your alter ego.  As with all great alter egos, the best way to choose a name is by giving it no prior thought, and once you’re already on the phone with your ex, inquiring about the job, say the first name that pops into your head.  The best way to do this, is by hastily forming a rather unlikely name using any words that you read from a newspaper or some other nearby periodical.

5. You will have no trouble getting hired. Your ex will immediately trust you because of your British accent and your no-nonsense demeanor. (Thanks, acting skills!)

6. Take your job as housekeeper very seriously.  Be kind but firm with the children.  Try and become a gourmet cook.  Because the way to your ex’s heart is through their stomach.  And deception.  If you fail at gourmet cooking, you can always order takeout and pass it off as your own cooking.

7. It is VERY important that you do not let anyone see your genitals.  This could blow your cover.

8. However, there is a good chance you will eventually be discovered for who you really are.   When this happens, your ex will be angry.  You will be fired and you will not be allowed back in the home.  Try, if you can, to get your own television show, using the alter ego as a character.

9. Your children will miss you.  They might even tell your ex that things were better with “you” around.  As your alter ego, you made a difference in their lives.  Ironically, more of a difference than you made as your true self.  Thanks to the void your alter ego has left and the persistent reminder of your television show, your ex won’t be able to deny that life was better with you around.

10.  Of course, in the end, you and your ex may not actually get back together.  But you will probably, at least, get to see your children again.  If you and your ex did not have children, what are you doing?  Stop dressing like an old British person, and start online dating.

Note: If you were already British to begin with, it will be impossible to ever win your ex back because they’ll know it’s you from the start.

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Reinventing Yourself After Divorce

Going through a breakup is hard. It’s easy to feel like you’ve lost your whole identity when you lose the person who was such a big part of your life. So what better time to make some changes in your life and reinvent yourself?

reinvent yourself

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Wedding Registry

We’re right in the thick of wedding season here, so we thought we’d share this helpful registry. Most of the couples getting married this summer probably aren’t PLANNING on ever getting divorced, but, better safe than sorry. Use this registry. It will make some things easier down the road, god forbid.

divorce humor

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The Worst Part of Waking Up

We all have morning routines. They say a lot about a person. So tell us – what did your ex drink with breakfast? We’ll tell you what your biggest problems were based on what was in that mug.

funny divorce blog

Former Husbands

We recently came across a study (yes, we read studies) that said “former husbands are more likely to report that they do not know what caused their divorce.”  We decided that since we are basically scientists, we would conduct a study of our own.  Here are the results.

Based on our research, we  found that there are other things that former husbands do not know.

Other Things That Former Husbands Do Not Know:

1. How to pronounce nuclear.

2. On what day of the week Thanksgiving (US) falls.

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