Monthly Archives: May 2012

Stupid Math

Have you ever heard that the amount of time you need to get over a relationship is the amount of time you were IN the relationship, divided by 2?  It’s the kind of stupid math that you’ll hear from women’s magazines and unhelpful friends.

But whoever these foolish mathematicians are, don’t listen to them.  You’ll be over a relationship when you’re over it.  Not when MATH tells you that you are.  It just doesn’t make any sense. To prove that this math doesn’t make any sense, here are some equally helpful equations.

If you lose your job…

# of years you worked at the job / 4 =

the length of time that is respectful to wait before getting a new job

If your television breaks…

# of hours of cop dramas you watch in a week  X  6 =

# of days you should wait before buying a new television

If you drop an ice cream cone on the ground…

# of minutes you spend crying about your ice cream + 10 =

# of minutes you must grieve before getting a new ice cream cone

*If you did not cry at all, you are a monster and you may only have raisins for dessert.

funny divorce blog

Sadly, if you lose the head to an electric toothbrush, you’ll never really be ready to replace it, thereby dooming you to a life of manual teeth brushing.

Your Next Ring

Ever since we posted about the great fun you can have with ring money, we’ve come to accept that many of you find it much more satisfying to, say, flush a ring down the toilet than to pawn it for jelly bean money.  And you know what? Fine. Whatever makes you happy.  Personally, lottery tickets and candy make us happy, but that’s just us.

But, regardless of how you disposed of the last ring, it’s time to start thinking about the next ring.  Maybe you’ve sworn off marriage forever.  Again, that’s fine.  But here are some ideas for the rest of you “try, try again” people.

The mantra for a second (or third, or fourth) marriage is: THINGS ARE GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.  It’s a good one.  And it applies to spouses and rings, alike.  Both the person you marry and the ring you wear should be distinctly different from what you had the last time around. For instance:

  • If you had a very traditional ring, choose something less traditional.
  • If you had something engraved in the band, maybe… don’t do that again. (It’s probably bad luck.)
  • If you had a colored stone, definitely go with a new color this time.
  • In general, just think outside the box.

Speaking of thinking outside the box, have you seen this story about the guy who made an engagement ring out of a meteorite?  Well done, guy.  Very impressive. But here are some things that would be EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE.

THINGS YOU COULD MAKE AN ENGAGEMENT RING OUT OF THAT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER THAN A METEORITE:

  • Strawberry ice cream
  • Mint chocolate chip ice cream
  • Coffee ice cream
  • Chocolate chocolate chip ice cream
  • Caramel ribbon ice cream
  • A soft pretzel

Any of those would make a great story.

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Fun With Euphemisms

It can get old telling people that you’re divorced.  Try having some fun with these clever euphemisms.

  • I’m between marriages right now.
  • We’re doing some matrimonial restructuring.
  • The positions of “husband” and “wife” were eliminated.
  • I’ve been relieved of my marital duties.
  • We decided to take things in a different direction. Away from being married.
  • My husband went to live on a farm with a nice family.

Get to Know an EGD Staffer: Another List

Game Shows On Which My Ex-husband and I Appeared

During the Course of Our 11-month Marriage:

A List by Jeanne

1. The Newlywed Game

divorce humor

The year-subscription to Netflix that we won for coming in second outlasted the marriage.

Bumper Stickers

Everyone knows that the best forum in which to discuss serious issues is the bumper of a car. That’s why we designed these bumper stickers.

divorce humor

divorce bumper sticker

divorce bumper sticker

divorce bumper sticker

divorce bumper sticker

Why You Should Sell Your Ring

Part of moving on is letting go.   Now, it can be hard to let go of your wedding ring.  Especially when you learn that the resale value for wedding jewelry  is a small fraction of the price you originally paid for it.  But what else are you doing with it?  Maybe you’re wearing it on a chain around your neck, which is fine, if you’re 12.  But most likely, it’s just sitting there, in a box or a drawer, waiting to remind you of things you’d rather not remember.   So get rid of it.  And do not throw it into the sea as some symbolic gesture.  That’s dumb.

Look at it this way. If you sell it, here are just some of the great things you can do with that sweet, sweet ring money.  For rings of every budget!

50 ring dollars = 50 lottery tickets (25 Powerball tickets)

100 ring dollars = 10 lbs of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans

250 ring dollars = DC34 Handheld Dyson Vacuum

500 ring dollars = 1 deluxe annual pass to Disneyland

700 ring dollars = 1 premium annual pass to Disney World (includes unlimited access to both Disney water parks)

1,000 ring dollars = 1,000 lottery tickets (500 Powerball)

2,500 ring dollars = 5 iPads (you can break a few, just for fun)

4,000 ring dollars and up = THIS

 

Get to Know an EGD Staffer: A List

Positive Things That Came Out of My First Marriage
A List by Jessica

1. Dyson Vacuum

divorce humor

The End.

Your Wedding Dress: A Flow Chart

Whether you’re happily married, happily divorced, or something in between, you have no real use for a wedding dress after the wedding. But what are you supposed to do with it? Here’s a flow chart. Listen to the flow chart. Because if you have a question that a flow chart can’t answer, we don’t want to hear it.

funny flow chart

Venn Diagrams: Inspired By True Events

Hey, everyone likes Venn Diagrams, right? Well here are some good ones, inspired by true events. Boy, for people who hate math, we sure use a lot of it.

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

Ideally.

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Word of the Day: Allergies

Allergies

noun

  1. A good explanation for watery eyes, red nose, hoarse throat, and emotional outbursts when you don’t feel like discussing the miserable state of your personal life.

Usage:

1. “Are you crying?”

“Oh no, it’s just these damn allergies.”

2. “You look terrible.  Are you okay?”

“I’m fine – I’ve got really bad allergies.”

3.  “Why are you attacking that car with your purse?”

“Allergies.”

 

 

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