Monthly Archives: March 2012

The Hardest Thing About Being Divorced

A lot of times, I like something, but I don’t feel that strongly about it.  Like, say, having lasagna for dinner.  So if you say to me, “Do you want lasagna for dinner or would you prefer something else?”

I want to go, “Well, lasagna sounds good, but I’m not married to it.”

divorce humor

I will always love lasagna. Until I don't.

It can be confusing.  Because as we all know, you can marry lasagna.  And then you can decide to unmarry it.  And now that phrase doesn’t even make any sense!  Do you want lasagna or not?

It’s tough, you know?

Unsolicited Marriage Advice to Strangers on Craigslist

I came across this posting on Craigslist the other night.

In case you can’t read it, because I am only just learning to use a computer (as is evidenced by my repeated googling of “how to take a screenshot”) here is what the ad says:

“This is a 5 foot love sac with a black microsuede machine washable cover. I love it but I’m getting married and my fiancé says it needs to go because we have such limited space. I’ll take $200 or best offer. It’s great for watching movies, video games, naps, or reading. “

I felt very strongly that I must email this person.  Not because I’m interested in a used love sac, but because I felt it was my duty to give this stranger some unsolicited marriage advice.

My email:

You’re welcome, stranger. I just saved you one divorce.

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Art

One of the worst things about any kind of breakup is all the feelings.  They’re everywhere and they’re gross.  So what do you do with all these useless feelings?

ART.

As we understand it, art is created by expressing complicated feelings.  Also, it doesn’t even have to look good.  In fact, art that looks good isn’t really ART.

Anyone can do it!  Just look!

divorce humor

Katy and Russell, 2012
Sharpie markers

funny divorce blog

Pain (A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Turkey), 2012
Colored Pencils

So give it a try.  And remember.  The uglier, the artier.

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Word of the Day

SOMEONE

noun

  1. Your ex-husband or ex-wife
  2. Your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend

Origin:

You need to stop talking about your ex, but they keep popping up in conversation.

Usage:

“I used to know someone who did grocery shopping at the 99 Cent Only store.”

“I once threw a grilled cheese sandwich at someone’s head.”

Books About Divorce That We Would Want to Read

There are a lot of really boring and unappealing books about divorce.  We would never read these books.   Here are some book s that, if they existed, would probably be more entertaining.

  • Chewing Gum and Other Suitable Replacements for a Spouse
  • Eating Pizza For One
  • Dissolving Your Marriage: Just Add Gin!
  • Cloudy With A Chance of Divorce Showers
  • One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Divorced Fish
  • The Divorced Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
  • The Seven Habits of Highly Divorced People
  • Eat, Drink, Love (your new boyfriend)
  • Extremely Loud and Incredibly Divorced
  • Tales of a 4th Grade Divorcee

They sound good, right?  Personally, I’d love to curl up in bed on a rainy day with Tales of a 4th Grade Divorcee.  I bet it really puts things in perspective.

FAQs

So you’re getting a divorce.  We anticipate that you might have some questions about your upcoming un-nuptials, or maybe even about us.  Here are some common questions, with some very scientific answers:

Q:  What if I don’t have enough money to get divorced?!

A:   NO ONE HAS ANY MONEY.

Q: But who are you? Why do YOU know so much? How do you know I’ll be OK?!

A:  We’re the internet. And as you well know, the internet is always right, and knows everything. Granted, we aren’t Wikipedia, but we ARE prettier than Wikipedia. You’ll be OK because we say you will, and we’re the internet, and the internet is always right and knows everything. *logic*

Q: But what will my parents think?

A: Your parents are dead.

or

They’ll get over it.

 Q: Everyone will think I’m a failure!

A: First of all, this isn’t a question, but a statement, so we are sorry that our educational system has failed you. Secondly, you’re only an automatically assumed failure if the scores of awesome divorced people are failures too. Do you HONESTLY think that J-Lo is a FAILURE? We didn’t think so.

Q: What about my dog? Will I get to keep him?

A: You will keep that dog. Oh yes, you will keep that dog. But, please be prepared to have a frank and honest discussion with your dog about why he or she will have a new daddy soon.

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We got divorced and you can too!

It’s not that hard.   We both did it.  And we both hate doing things.

divorce advice

Jessica hates thinking.

divorce advice

Jeanne hates taking Zicam.

It’s also not that sad.  Listen up.  If you’re thinking about getting divorced or you’re in the process of getting divorced or you’re still crying over your divorce, you have to listen to us:  It’s okay to be sad. For a little while.  You can even grieve.  But you must remember – do not grieve like someone has actually died.  No one has died.  Pull yourself together.  On the grief spectrum, getting a divorce is somewhere in the middle, between a death in the family and when Trader Joe’s discontinues a product that you like.

The point is this – if you’re getting a divorce, you did not have a great marriage.  The mourning period is short for shitty marriages.

Sure you can get drunk and cry and go on and on and on to your friends.  But that gets old.  And your friends will start to hate you.  We recommend that you learn to laugh about it.  WE CAN HELP YOU LEARN TO LAUGH AGAIN!

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